woman creating vision board with cup of coffee.

Create Your Own Self-Love Vision Board

The most important relationship that you will ever have in your life is your relationship with yourself. Creating a self-love vision board is a creative and relaxing exercise that offers an opportunity to cultivate a strong sense of love and acceptance through creativity and the power of visualization.   Vision boards are a collection of images, words, and memories arranged to inspire you and help you manifest your goals or vision. Visualization and manifestation are empowering tools to create a positive and more accepting connection with yourself.    When we have a healthy level of self-love and self-esteem, it significantly impacts our mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. Vision boards are an amazing tool to help you tap into Love for Self. Ask yourself: Who am I? What am I calling in? What brings me joy? What do I love most about my life?    Once you create a vision board, we recommend placing it where you will see it often — such as near a mirror or on the wall in a room you use frequently. Remember to take a moment each day (or several times throughout the day) to look at it and reflect on what it means to you.   Vision Boarding Materials:  Poster board, as big or small as you desire. Pro tip: you can leave space to add on throughout the year whenever inspiration strikes you. Stickers! Give yourself a gold star! Magazines, postcards, cut outs. You may be surprised where you’ll find inspiration and what messages or images you’ll find on everything from receipts to old flyers once you begin looking. Scotch tape, scissors, glue — or even better: glitter glue! Markers, gel pens, colored pencils, crayons. (Yes, crayons!) Childhood photo. Connect with little you, and make time to PLAY! At no extra cost: your own imagination and creativity.    Listen to our podcast episode on Embracing Self-Love to hear how we create self-love vision boards in our workshops — and to get more ideas on how to create yours!
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Happily ever after sign with red letters

Here’s How to Avoid Relationship Anxiety This Valentine’s Day

Relationship anxiety is a REAL thing. Whether or not people admit it, 34% say their relationship stress is the leading cause of their mental health concerns. So as this Valentine’s Day approaches, here are a few tips to let you know if your relationship is with the right one. Don’t Play Games At least not the kind that leave you up worrying all night. The healthiest relationships include clear communication where there aren't mixed messages, ghosting, and intermittent hot and cold seasons. These games may seem sexy at first and keep you on the edge of your seat, but they'll ultimately leave you dizzy and distressed in the worst way. If you are constantly fretting about whether or not the person is going to leave you and if they “really” like you, it’s likely not your best match. Why? Because you’re so often worrying about how the other person feels that you have little time to question if you actually like the person. Create More Positive Experiences Every relationship goes through low points and that’s not necessarily cause for concern. However, we need to have ideally three positive experiences with our partner for our negative one. You and your partner want to be intentional about creating these positive experiences together so that you're not getting pulled down into a negative spiral. If you find that you or your partner are ruminating, holding grudges, and unwilling to come back together after a disagreement or conflict, that’s something to start challenging. It’s not so much about the fight (which can actually be healthy), it’s more about each of your openness to repair the relationship afterward. Having Doubts May Not Always Be a Problem The better question to ask yourself is if this is a particular problem that you can deal with now...and the next 20 years. Every relationship is going to have its issues—you just need to determine if these issues are absolute deal-breakers or if they're livable discomforts you can work through. There’s no need to shame yourself if this particular problem set is something that you especially struggle with. For example, some people are especially triggered if their partner has a drinking problem because of family history while others are able to sit with it a little more. This doesn’t make you an unloving partner—it just means you’re aware of what your boundaries are and when too much is too much. Agree on the Things That You Can’t Compromise On Where I see couples in my practice really get into a bind is when they cannot agree on a non-negotiable, such as whether to have a baby, get married, or move to a particular location. You can't go halfsies on these things and therefore it's so important to be clear on what you want for your life when it comes to the big life decisions, rather than playing it coy. Be honest with yourself and each other and take people for their word when they say what they want for their lives. They could change your mind, but that’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself to try convince them otherwise. So give yourself grace this Valentine’s Day if you’re looking for love or wondering if you’ve found the one. No relationship is perfect and if you’re waiting for a flawless relationship, they’ll be many more boxes of chocolate eaten solo. Embrace the mess and lean into the imperfections—that’s what finding and being with your “one” is all about. Dr. Lauren Cook is a licensed Clinical Psychologist, company consultant, author and speaker. With a doctorate in Clinical Psychology and her Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy, Dr. Lauren frequently appears in the media to provide commentary while also working with companies as well as individual adults, couples, families, and teens to help reduce anxiety and improve personal and professional outcomes. For more on Dr. Lauren, visit drlaurencook.com. 
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Bicycle with hearts

21 Ways to Spread Love in the World

1. Pass a good book on to a friend. 2. Volunteer at an animal shelter. 3. Cook a homemade meal for someone. 4. Give to a good cause. 5. Let someone keep the change. 6. Volunteer at a senior center. 7. Smile at a stranger. 8. Let someone cut ahead of you in traffic. 9. Tell someone you love him or her. 10. Leave a big tip. 11. Love the people you can be crazy with. 12. Give lunch to a homeless person with a positive note attached. 13. Make a store clerk smile. 14. Send a handwritten appreciation/thank-you note to someone in your life. 15. Pay for the person behind you in line (coffee, food, etc.). 16. Tell your friends how much they mean to you. 17. Send flowers to your partner for no reason. 18. Pick up trash in a park. 19. Be a good listener for someone. 20. Make your co-workers laugh. 21. Be the cream in someone’s coffee. Read more: Practice Random Acts of Kindness Every Day
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Astronauts in Love

33 Ideas for Romance

The excitement wrapped up in sentimental gestures can keep us on cloud nine for days. Here are 33 ideas to sprinkle more romance in your life. 1. Watch Titanic. 2. LISTEN TO “CAN’T HELP FALLING IN LOVE” BY ELVIS PRESLEY. 3. “Love is a reality which is born in the fairy region of romance.” —Charles Maurice de Talleyrand 4. Write a poem for someone you love. 5. Order a heart-shaped pizza. 6. Read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. 7. Watch Pretty Woman. 8. LISTEN TO “UNCHAINED MELODY” BY THE RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS. 9. Make a mixtape. 10. “Love is a net that catches hearts like fish.” —Muhammad Ali 11. Have a Dateline date night. 12. Send someone a Singing Valentine. 13. Read Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts by SuzannPileggi Pawelski and James O. Pawelski. 14. WATCH THE BBC MINISERIES PRIDE AND PREJUDICE STARRING COLIN FIRTH. 15. Request your loved one's favorite song on the radio. 16. Take a couples cooking class. 17. GO FOR A HIKE OR BIKE RIDE WITH YOUR PARTNER. 18. “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” —Antoine de Saint-Exupéry 19. Listen to “Friday I’m in Love” by The Cure. 20. READ MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA BY ARTHUR GOLDEN. 21. Share a dessert. 22. Watch The Big Sick. 23. Listen to “Maybe I’m Amazed” by Paul McCartney. 24. “WHAT IS DESIRE BUT A WILDNESS OF THE SOUL?” —LOUISE ERDRICH 25. Buy tickets to watch your favorite pro-sports team play. 26. Have dinner by candlelight. 27. Clip out the Love is…comic strip to post on the fridge. 28. Read Real Love: The Art of Mindful Connection by Sharon Salzberg. 29. Try couples yoga. 30. WATCH MOULIN ROUGE! 31. Listen to “Thinking Out Loud” by Ed Sheeran. 33. “For ’twas not into my ear you whispered but into my heart. ’Twas not my lips you kissed, but my soul.” —Judy Garland
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Woman and man in love

Your Brain on Love

Ah, love. We all want it, and we all get high on it. Who can resist the intoxicating flush in our cheeks, the weak knees, the butterflies in our stomachs, or the way our hearts go pitter-patter when we see the object of our desires? Or that heartwarming sense of joy and wellbeing that seems to infuse our very souls?The best feeling in the worldWhen you’re in the throes of romantic love, certain areas of your brain are flooded with feel-good neurochemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin, which spur feelings of pleasure, euphoria and satisfaction.You experience such a surge of energy that you may forget to sleep or eat, get a sudden rush of exhilaration and develop a laser-like focus on the one you love and feel profoundly attached to. When these neurochemicals are released, they make you feel so good that you crave another hit of them (and another, and another).The emotional rollercoasterBut as the saying goes, what goes up must come down. As good as love feels, there can also be a flip side to that emotional high. When you lose that love—whether it’s through a breakup, divorce or death—those chemicals plummet. In their place, stress hormones such as adrenaline, cortisol and epinephrine come marching in, launching your nervous system into fight-or-flight mode.Extra blood flows to your muscles, which tense up for action and leads to that all-too-familiar side effect of heartbreak: the tight, squeezing sensation in your chest. At the same time, your brain diverts blood away from your digestive system, which may lead to loss of appetite or diarrhea, and your immune system function can become compromised, leaving you vulnerable to bugs and viruses.Addicted to loveApparently, singer-songwriter Robert Palmer knew what he was talking about when he famously sang, “You’re Addicted to Love.” A 2010 study published in the Journal of Neurophysiology supports the notion that romantic love can actually be an addiction, because it activates the same reward systems in the brain as cocaine and nicotine. When you lose that love, your brain still craves dopamine and oxytocin—and your heart, of course, still craves the love your partner lavished on you.That’s why the researchers of that study—biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, neuroscientist Lucy Brown and social psychologist Arthur Aron—refer to love not so much as an emotion, but as “a goal-oriented motivational state.” It feels good, and we want more.Love hurts (when it's gone)Using brain mapping studies, these researchers found that the areas of your brain associated with cravings and addictions (the nucleus accumbens and the orbitofrontal/prefrontal cortex) also light up during a breakup. We go through withdrawals of sorts, which may lead us to obsess about our lost loves or try to get them back in our lives. (One study of lovelorn participants showed they spent more than 85 percent of their time thinking of their lost loves!)Now for the good news ...Since love affects both your heart and brain, they can also work together to help you heal when love goes awry. The adage “time heals all wounds” actually carries some scientific weight; research conducted at Stony Brook University (SUNY) indicates that the area of the brain called the right ventral putamen/pallidum, which is associated with attachments, becomes less activated by images of a subject’s lost love as time passes.Heal your heartAnd there are signs you can take an active role in speeding up the healing process, both in your heart and your brain. Yoga and meditation have been shown to effectively treat the stress and depression that can be associated with any kind of loss.Seane Corn, a yoga teacher based in Topanga, California, even leads “Yoga for a Broken Heart” workshops at retreat centers and yoga conferences across the U.S. She says yoga is a form of self-care that can recharge your emotional batteries and tap into your inner strength, enabling you to feel more resilient and ready to laugh (and love) again.Just breatheSo how, exactly, do yoga and meditation help the heart heal? Research has shown that they can help relieve numerous symptoms of grief, including fatigue, sleep problems, muscle tension, anxiety and depression. Meditation triggers activity in the left prefrontal cortex of the brain, which combats depression and is responsible for producing positive emotions.And a growing body of research shows that yoga poses and yogic breathing practices can improve your mood and soothe your nerves so that you can be happier and calmer under pressure, and therefore more resilient, even while mending a broken heart. According to Seane, by devoting even 15 minutes a day to yoga and meditation, you can start releasing the physical and emotional energy associated with grief and be ready to experience love and joy again.
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Kids standing at a train station

Redefining Love

A year after looking out a coffee-shop window and seeing the man in the pink tank top, Liza Baritt remembers him vividly: “This guy came along on roller skates, just singing his heart out,” she says. They locked eyes. “We sort of giggled, and he waved and smiled. I felt joyful, just totally amused, completely and utterly so glad I had that moment.” Then he skated on by. Liza, a psychotherapist and yoga teacher in Brookfield, Wisconsin, hasn’t seen the man since. And yet, to her, their flash of communion was right up there with many she has enjoyed with family, friends and romantic partners. It was, in her word, “love.” Love is all around While that might seem odd, Liza is part of a growing contingent who reject the notion that love is all about sex and soul mates, or the bonds you share with your nearest and dearest. Instead, they see love as “that micro-moment of warmth and connection that you share with another living being,” a concept introduced by Barbara L. Fredrickson, Ph.D., author and leading researcher in the positive psychology movement, in her book Love 2.0. Such moments can—and should—bloom often with your spouse, your parents and your child, she says, but they’re just as possible with a casual acquaintance or stranger. Your dry cleaner or barista, say. That woman who smiled at you from across the subway aisle. Vitamin L “It’s about connecting with people on a human level and…wishing them well or just sharing something positive,” says Barbara, a professor and director of the Positive Emotions and Psychophysiology Laboratory at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. “That is a pretty low bar for love, and I think that most people could meet that to the extent that they’re engaged in social interaction at all.” Connecting with others is as crucial to your wellbeing as food, sleep or exercise, Barbara says. Scientific studies suggest that feeling warm and fuzzy has a positive effect on your heart, brain, bodily processes, even your life span. Think of it as “Vitamin L.” And getting a dose may be easier than you think. A new look at love For some, redefining love brings a sense of release. “It’s liberating to let go of those old beliefs—‘I have to be in a relationship to have love’ or ‘I have to be a parent to feel love,’ ” says Liza, who was recently divorced. “It’s liberating to think I can go to a yoga class by myself and have some of the same emotions or connections that I might get from sex with a partner or interaction with children I’ve created, so it gives people a lot more options, to be sure.” Identifying these options and opportunities as “love” will also make us less prone to dismiss them, Barbara says. “We tend to trivialize day-to-day interactions with strangers, and yet we put love up on a pedestal as being one of the most important parts of life." That warm fuzzy feeling “When we only think of love as a status, like on Facebook, we’re missing a more fine-grained understanding of what creates our most important relationships in our life, and also what kind of fundamental ingredients in those most important relationships can be experienced in any human connection," says Barbara. "Scientific studies suggest that feeling warm and fuzzy has a positive effect on your heart, brain, bodily processes, even your life span." However, even Barbara doesn’t always use the word “love.” When describing how connection unfolds, for example, she chooses the term “positivity resonance,” explaining that this dance of brain and body has three parts. Dance of brain and body First, you and someone else share one or more positive emotions. Maybe you’re both amused at something one of you just said or did (think of Liza’s singing skater) or delighted at something you both experienced (hearing a new song or watching your favorite team score a goal). Next, a striking synchrony kicks in. You make eye contact and, sensing real friendliness, you start mirroring each other’s smiles and gestures. If you’re having a conversation, you both lean in and nod more often. From "me to "we" Research shows that your brains begin to tango; a study at Princeton University discovered that when subjects listened closely to a recorded story told by a stranger, their own brain activity closely resembled that of the storyteller, which had been measured when the recording was made. Last but not least, says Barbara, you and the other person begin to care more about each other—to shift your focus from “me” to “we.” Cultivating love Getting on someone else’s wavelength isn’t always easy, of course. If you’re sad or scared, for instance, it can be hard to mind-meld with others. Ditto if you’re feeling bad about yourself. Plus, modern life throws up endless roadblocks to love. We’re all busier than ever, and even when we’re surrounded by people, we’re also surrounded by endless distractions from our phones, tablets and televisions. Hugging and hand holding have been found to lower stress-induced spikesin blood pressure and raise levels of oxytocin, the famous “love hormone.” “You have to choose again and again to connect” with family, friends and strangers, says Megan McDonough, CEO of the Wholebeing Institute in Hardwick, Massachusetts. “We don’t find love. We cultivate it.” How do you seed your life with loving moments? Experts have plenty of ideas: Practice meditation and other forms of mindfulness. Our fast-paced society can make it hard to truly pay attention to others, Megan notes. Practicing a mindfulness technique “is basically training us to be more fully present, so when we are with someone, we’re paying more attention.” And of course, when we pay attention, it’s easier to connect. Make a point of spending relaxed, unstructured time together—no screens allowed. Years ago, when Boriana Zaneva would visit her native Bulgaria, her mother resented it when she left the house to see friends. Now Boriana, a positive psychology consultant in Boston, tries harder to show her “openness to savor that time” with her mother. “When you’re coming into that place with that intention to connect, to create the space for that positive resonance, it just happens.” The result: along with plates of tomatoes, lamb and feta, the two women have shared countless helpings of love. These days when Boriana visits friends, she says, her mother no longer acts clingy, “because now she has my full attention when we’re together.” Keep it simple. When meeting someone new, Kristin Humbargar, a life-learning and leadership coach in Underhill, Vermont, begins with eye contact, followed by “just smiling and saying hello and asking how their day was.” This led to a recent exchange with a doorman during a visit to Brooklyn, New York. Kristin and the doorman discussed topics ranging from New York’s 9/11 memorial to his dreams for the future. They swapped email addresses, vowed to keep in touch (which they have) and hugged goodbye. Such interactions “resonate with you for the rest of the day,” Kristin says. “Everything is a little brighter. There is, in fact, a kind of afterglow—or maybe even a hint of euphoria.” Use technology wisely. Not all screen time is isolating, points out Liza, the Wisconsin psychotherapist. Now that she’s in a long-distance relationship, she has discovered Skyping: “Skype is the closest you can get to being in the same room—and sometimes it’s closer.” Unlike certain times when you’re actually together, “you’re really looking at them, really focusing on them, not walking away or trying to do dishes or fold laundry.” Remember the power of touch. Sure, sex can be great, but nonsexual touch may be just as important. Hugging and hand holding, for instance, have been found to lower stress-induced spikes in blood pressure and raise levels of oxytocin, the famous “love hormone.” Kristin can vouch for all the above. “My husband will hug me and look me straight in my eye, and all of a sudden I get this giggly, giddy feeling; it feels so good,” she says. Whenever her 10-year-old daughter is anxious, “we’ll play this game where I’ll rub her arms or give her a hug, and we’ll do this little chant and we’ll say, ‘Oxytocin, oxytocin, oxytocin!’ ”Voilà: mother and daughter both feel more relaxed. Smile to yourself. To prime himself for positive exchanges with others, Braco Pobric smiles each morning when his alarm goes off. Widely. “Research shows that will give me a little dopamine,” says Braco, an author in Hamilton, New Jersey, and the chief happiness officer of the Institute for Advanced Human Performance. Dopamine is a “feel-good” hormone and neurotransmitter associated with the brain’s reward system that naturally makes us feel happy.This does not mean, however, that you should plaster on a grin when encountering others, Barbara cautions, or deliberately mirror others’ gestures, as such attempts often come across as forced. It’s better to work at solo exercises that, over time, will help you feel more of the genuine sentiments that yield natural smiles, nods and so forth. Walk. Cook. Dance. Ski. Data show that shared movements resulting from positivity resonance make it more likely that a relationship will take root. Getting active together can also help long-term relationships continue to flower. Oxytocin: the chemistry of love What creates all this synchrony and sympathy? One key player is oxytocin. You may already know that oxytocin gets released at intimate moments—during sex, say, or while a mother breastfeeds a baby. But studies imply it’s also pivotal during other moments of connection, whether with people we know or with strangers. At the University of Zurich, for instance, test subjects were given real money to invest. Those who inhaled an oxytocin spray beforehand—rather than a placebo—were much more likely to entrust a fellow participant with all their cash. Oxytocin helps us detect signs of genuine goodwill and respond with our own. It soothes us and helps us let down our guard. Calm and connect Just as vital to these moments is your vagus nerve, which links your brain with organs including your heart. Working with oxytocin, the vagus directs the “calm and connect response”—the opposite of “fight or flight.” It slows your heartbeat and “stimulates tiny facial muscles that better enable you to make eye contact and synchronize your facial expressions with another person. It even adjusts the minuscule muscles of your middle ear so you can better track the other person’s voice against any background noise,” according to Barbara. As many of the above stories make clear, this mental and physical pas de deux can produce intense pleasure. But more than that, it may work wonders for your health. Love shortage a danger to your health Loneliness is just as deadly as smoking, obesity and other dire factors, concluded researchers at Brigham Young University in a meta-study of 148 smaller studies. That’s no surprise, says John Cacioppo, Ph.D., a University of Chicago psychologist who has researched social connection and isolation. When you feel lonely, he says, your body produces more of the stress hormone cortisol. Over time, this glut of cortisol “increases organ wear and tear.” “It might cost me a heart attack,” he says. “It might lead to increased risk of cancer in another individual.” Lonely people are also more prone to depression, poor sleep, high blood pressure, major strokes, chronic inflammation and Alzheimer’s disease, he says. Love gives immediate results The good news is that when you start to connect more with others, your health improves—in some ways immediately. Feeling less lonely on a given day can, for example, boost your mood right away and enhance your sleep that very night, John says. Overcoming such chronic problems as inflammation takes longer, but even a couple of months of better connections can make a real difference, Barbara says. In a two-month study she did with then-student Bethany Kok, Ph.D., people who reported feeling more “positivity resonance” each day improved in “cardiac vagal tone.” This involves the vagus nerve and has been linked to such perks as healthier glucose and inflammation levels. In addition, Barbara explains, people with high vagal tone are more adept at focusing their attention and controlling their emotions and, as you might expect, better at connecting with others. Data show that shared movements resulting from positivity resonance make it more likely that a relationship will take root. Getting active together can also help long-term relationships continue to flower." Making more connections Research conducted on the brains of new parents suggests connection does in fact breed more connection. Scientists at the University of Michigan, the University of Denver and elsewhere have found that attentive moms and dads undergo “remodeling” of several brain structures during their babies’ early weeks. This is crucial to future bonding with their children as well as the children’s capacity for social interaction, says James Swain, an assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Michigan. Just what triggers these brain changes remains unknown, but plenty of researchers think any positive connection between people—from lovers to strangers—may cause similar shifts in neural circuitry, James says. Bringing the research to life Kristin, the learning and leadership coach, doesn’t need science to prove to her that love brings more love. As she’s fostered more moments of connection with everyone from that doorman to her daughters, she says, she has found herself craving such moments more. In turn, the payoffs of those connections have grown. “There’s that awareness of [connection] and that experience of it, and the next time you have it, it doubles. It sort of exponentially expands.” Gaëlle Desbordes, Ph.D., a neuroscientist at Harvard Medical School, also knows how connecting with others can change you. She used to be shy in a roomful of strangers, she says. But spurred by her own meditation practice, she has become much more outgoing—and that, in turn, has given her “a more optimistic worldview.” Instead of feeling threatened by new faces, she has come to believe that most people are good and generous. At professional conferences, she now longs to meet others and hear their stories. “There’s a great sense of safety and trust in people in general,” she says. Onward and outward As you share love with those around you, you may be accomplishing more than you realize. Not only does each person you connect with get the benefits of “positivity resonance,” but those benefits—chemical surges and the rest—may well lead them to connect with more people, sending ripples of goodwill and oxytocin far beyond your social circle. Emotional and physical health are contagious, according to Barbara. “Indeed, studies of actual social networks show that, over time, happiness spreads through whole communities.” Which is, Gaëlle says, exactly as it should be. “We are social animals. We love to connect, to be part of a community.” Fear of bonding with others is usually a barrier we impose, based on negative experiences in our past, she says. “Once we remove that barrier, we are finally touching base with our true nature.”
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Hiking couple - Active young couple in love.

Building Lasting, Loving Families

My wife and I just celebrated 18 years of marriage; we’ve been together for 23 years. We have a 9-year-old boy and a 6-yearold girl. If you do the math, we waited 14 years from the time we started dating before we had kids. That gave us a lot of time to get to know one another, tackle our issues, and have a glorious time traveling and doing what we love.My wife Jennifer was a manager in the music industry before she became a full-time mom, and I am a life coach. Philosophically we look at life the same way, which means that we agree on how we raise our kids, religion and most points in between. We even dog-ear the same page of a design magazine when looking at furniture or art—our sensibilities match. I am 17 years older (she says 16) than her, but most of our friends would say it’s the other way around; she’s way more mature than I.Jennifer is of Spanish decent; her mother was born in Barcelona, and she grew up in Los Angeles. I grew up in New York City. She’s private, I’m public; our age, ethnicity, environments, access and resources are all very different, yet philosophically we match perfectly. I have found that you can have very different influences and environments, but if your sensibilities match it can work. The opposite is true as well. For instance, you want to raise the children as Buddhists and your spouse wants to raise them Catholic, or one of you believes you should live for the moment and the other wants to build for the future. These situations usually end up with a push/pull, a struggle. It’s not that differences in thinking can’t contribute to one another and to the relationship, but if those differences are immovable, carved in stone or a part of your moral structure, they won’t allow the necessary “flow” in the relationship. We have friends who have entirely different approaches to what’s important in life than we do but they and their family are completely aligned—it all works.When we date we don’t spend enough time on those philosophical differences. We spend a lot of time on chemistry. We usually don’t have enough conversations on the front end, so when we ended up married with children, we found that what we believe and how we see life is very different. Chemistry is wonderful, but it also might not be the end-all for a lifelong commitment. We often hear how important it is to find your best friend, and I don’t think that can be overemphasized. If one’s criteria are chemistry, body, money, health…one thing you can be certain of is that those will change. And, if you based your silent vows (not the ones you said out loud) on those things not changing, once they do, there will be problems. The foundation is what endures.Jennifer and I have places in our marriage that each is accountable for, and we didn’t plan or strategize this—it evolved naturally. She is the visionary of the marriage, and I execute that vision. That means she determines where we are going and what it would look like. That doesn’t mean I don’t have a lot to contribute to the direction, it just means that it worked out that way. She is accountable for the emotional development of the family, how to work through rejections, frustrations and disappointments with our kids. I’m accountable for their physical development, how they move in the world and take risks, that they know the difference between stupidity and risk when they’re jumping off the roof or climbing a tree. The accountabilities are clear —it’s whoever had the most credibility in the particular area. We go to each other’s strengths.Where one is anxious or has fear, there is little or no perception, so in a crisis we go with the one who has no fear: me. I make the money; she manages it. She likes to sleep so I make breakfast. In turn, she makes dinner. None of this was ever planned —all these compartmentalizations evolved quite naturally.People say that you must have compromise in a relationship. We don’t compromise; it is our pleasure to do for the other. Compromise indicates that you are doing something begrudgingly.Most relationships start off as a privilege and very soon turn into a right. We start speaking to each other as if we are owed something, and we expect something as opposed to the privilege it is to be with that person. We would never talk to someone on the first date the way we start talking to them three months later.Our difficulties and our upsets are usually quite universal and finite: money, health, career and relationship struggles. When your relationship isn’t fl owing, when the affinity has been compromised, it has a systemic effect that throws off all the other areas of your life. Men used to have a more effective way of compartmentalizing relationships and career, but that was mostly aberrant and inaccurate. Today that illusion has been shattered, and men are equally disabled when their intimate relationships are in conflict.There has never been a time in the course of human evolution that we look so closely at our intimate relationships. There are more books, literature, articles, dating sites and couples’ counseling, all in the service of being more connected, which leads to more sustainability and ultimately more LOVE.BRECK COSTIN has more than 30 years of experience as a personal consultant and life coach. As the founder of the Absolute Freedom seminars, he has helped thousands of people change the way they live their lives by breaking free from unwanted patterns of behavior. His compassionate yet direct style allows people to dismantle their illusions of self so they truly can see what is (and isn’t) possible. “Your fantasies must die,” he says, “for your dreams to come true.”
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Silhouette of a couple on the beach at sunset

Love Language

You've heard the bad news: Almost 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce.But there is good news. Success in marriage, as in the rest of life, has little to do with statistics about what’s going on out there and everything to do with what’s going on in your life and in your home. The reality is it doesn’t matter what the polls report. The determining factors in your marital success are personal.“Even though divorce is prevalent in our culture today, we don’t want to just walk out,” says relationship expert Gary Chapman. “There is a deep, deep bonding unique to the marriage relationship—a physical and emotional bond. And because of that, we want to make it work despite our differences.”In Hope of Happily Ever AfterEvery year, almost 4 million people pledge to love, honor and cherish each other in ceremonies across the United States. “Almost all of these couples anticipate ‘living happily ever after,’ ” Chapman writes in his latest book,Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married.“No one gets married hoping to be miserable or to make their spouse miserable. … People do not get married planning to divorce.”Chapman believes divorce is often the effect of poor planning and lack of understanding about what marriage means. Individuals plan for their careers, families, finances and vacations, but rarely do they have a plan for marriage. Perhaps that’s because they wander into this life-altering arrangement while intoxicated by the effects of what Chapman calls “euphoric love.” You know the feeling: Your stomach does a flip of excitement every time you see your true love, your heart beats wildly when you hold hands, you feel an electric jolt when you kiss. It’s often while in this he/ she-can-do-no-wrong phase that people pledge undying love to one another. The trouble is that the effects of euphoric love are temporary.“The euphoric experience we typically callfalling in lovehas an average lifespan of two years,” Chapman says. When the feeling of euphoria wears off, you suddenly have a little more clarity about the person with whom you’ve committed to spending your life. “Before, you saw them as a perfect person. Now you see them as a real person, a human with strengths and weakness. Most couples are not prepared for that,” he says.First things first. If you’re not yet married, come to grips with the fact that the euphoria won’t last forever…and that’s OK. Enjoy it while it lasts, but realize that something better could be around the corner—if you plan for it. Having spent the past 35 years counseling couples who were blindsided by the realities of housework, conflicting work schedules, debt, parenting and in-laws, Chapman says, “It is my conviction that many of these struggles could have been avoided had the couple taken the time to prepare more thoroughly for marriage.”How, exactly, does one prepare for marriage? It sounds like a no-brainer, but the place to start is in getting to know the other person. Find out what your sweetheart thinks about politics, debt, religion and faith, charitable giving, whether they want children or pets or pizza every Wednesday night for the rest of their lives. What was their childhood like? What does success mean to them? Do they like sports, movies, going out with friends, or staying in and enjoying a quiet evening at home? Talk about your likes and dislikes. Share your thoughts about how the details of housework, financial planning, child-rearing and caring for elderly parents should be handled. And, by the way, if you’re already married and you don’t know the answer to any of the previous questions, there’s no time like the present to learn about your mate. Creating a plan for life together will put you on the right track.What to Do When the Buzz Wears OffMaybe you’re already married and that feeling of euphoria is long gone. You’re in the thick of real life—bills, busy schedules and babysitters. It’s at this point that “for better or for worse” takes on new meaning. Under the effects of the love drug, “for worse” seemed impossible. You might have even ignored admonitions from others who advised you to plan if you want a great marriage. Like a teenager, you felt invincible.We’re in love; what could go wrong?you thought. As it turns out, plenty.But the maladies of marriage aren’t always rooted in major disasters such as terminal illness or bankruptcy. Real life creeps in, and suddenly you and your spouse are bickering about whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher. “Couples find themselves arguing because they do not have a plan to deal with things like that,” Chapman says. The day-to-day pressures of life combined with the fear caused by losing that loving feeling stress couples out. “They say, ‘Oh no! I don’t feel what I used to feel.’ ”Additionally, there’s a tendency to get busy and distracted. “I think often couples who have been married for a number of years, who have children and have careers, begin to realize they’ve drifted apart,” Chapman says. “When you neglect a marriage, you begin drifting, and you never drift together. You always drift apart. If you don’t make an effort to reconnect, you’ll drift further and further apart.” But that doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. On the contrary, Chapman says once you get past the tingles of early love, it’s possible to create a stronger, happier marriage: “If you learn to speak each other’s love language, you can keep the emotional connection alive. And that is far deeper than those temporary, euphoric feelings.”Even better, it’s never too late to rekindle that connection. Chapman says he has worked with a number of couples who finally learned to speak one another’s love language after 20 or 30 years of marriage: “Many couples have told me they realized their marriages weren’t super warm, but they didn’t fight either. They’d say, ‘We were like roommates. But when we started speaking each other’s love languages, it changed our marriage.’ Regardless of your stage of marriage, understanding your spouse’s love language has the potential of greatly enhancing the relationship.”Now You’re Speaking My LanguageIn his best-selling bookThe 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts,Chapman defines love languages as the “five ways people speak and understand emotional love.” Take a look at the abbreviated definitions, and see if you can identify your love language.Words of Affirmation: Words matter. This person treasures hearing, “I love you.” Honest compliments and praise mean a great deal, and insults or harsh words are taken to heart.Quality Time: This person wants your undivided attention. The gift of your time is worth more than any material present you could give.Receiving Gifts:From trinkets and flowers to diamond rings and season tickets, this person feels loved when you present them with a token of your affection.Acts of Service:Doing household chores or helping out in the home office is, to this person, the equivalent of saying, “I adore you.”Physical Touch:A gentle hand on the shoulder, a peck on the cheek, a warm embrace or simply sitting beside this person makes them feel loved.Understanding your spouse’s love language is the first step to connecting. “Seldom do a husband and wife speak the same love language,” Chapman says. “We naturally speak our own love language. But if your love language is different from your spouse’s love language, you’re missing them. You may be sincere, but you’re not really touching their heart.”Once you understand your mate’s love language, start using it. But be warned, you may have some difficulty at first. “If you grew up in a home where affirming words were seldom spoken, it may be hard to speak words of affirmation,” Chapman says. The same principle applies to the language of physical touch if you grew up without a lot of hugs and hand-holding or to the language of receiving gifts if you’re especially frugal. Chapman’s advice: Take baby steps.For example, if your mate’s love language is words of affirmation, start by looking for a few phrases in a magazine or book; listen for kind words spoken by other people. When you’re alone, stand in front of a mirror and say those phrases aloud. “Then you can pick one of the phrases and say it to your spouse when they’re not looking at you … then you can run!” Chapman says with a chuckle.If your spouse’s love language is physical touch, but you’re not a touchy-feely person, start small. If you need to, write down a few potential touches: a hand on the shoulder, a pat on the back, reaching over and putting your hand on their leg while driving. “Pick out one that seems easier for you and do it,” Chapman says. “Over time, you can learn how to touch, even if you didn’t grow up receiving a lot of touch.”The more you practice any of the languages, the more natural they will feel for you. “The good thing is that it’s extremely rewarding, and any of these languages can be learned.”Ideally, both partners will make an effort to speak the other’s love language. But that may not always be the case, such as in times of stress or emotional rifts. Still, it’s important to speak your spouse’s love language even if the favor isn’t returned at the time.“Love is the choice to reach out to the other person no matter how they reciprocate. You may even want to ask your spouse, ‘On a scale of one to 10, how much love do you feel from me?’ Then ask, ‘What can I do to make it a 10?’ Before long they may ask you the same question,” Chapman says. “Love is a way of life. Love is a part of who you are so that when a person encounters you, they’re going to feel love. The reality is many times people may reciprocate, but that is not the objective. The objective is to enhance others’ lives.” Make that your objective with your spouse, and you might just find that you arehappily ever after.
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Smiling man giving a woman a piggyback ride on a beach

Play Nice, Fight Fair

By the time I married, I’d already been an entrepreneur for several years, but I did bring my spouse into the business… or tried to, anyway. The experiment was short-lived, something that would not surprise David and Jamillah Lamb, business partners, spouses and co-authors ofPerfect Combination: Seven Key Ingredients to Happily Living & Loving Together.Also founders of Between the Lines Productions Inc., a New York theater company, the Lambs have been working together for 10 years, and they’ve learned a lot along the way. “We wrote the book in response to our audiences,” Jamillah says. “People were always surprised to hear we worked together 24-7.” Of course, she will be the first to say that she believesallcouples work together, whether they’re in the same office or not. Managing a household, kids—not to mention the relationship itself—is work.So how does this happily married couple keep the peace on the stage, behind the scenes and at home? They follow the motto “Love like kids; act like adults.” That means combining the joy of being spontaneous, playing together and exploring with taking responsibility for one’s actions. “Don’t say, ‘We never go anywhere,’ ” Jamillah advises. “Take responsibility for going somewhere!”Jamillah says a lot of couples see working together as doubling the opportunity for conflict in a relationship, and that can be true. But she says, “It also doubles the opportunities for growth.”How to Love Like Lambs (David and Jamillah Lamb, That Is)The authors ofPerfect Combination: Seven Key Ingredients to Happily Living & Loving Together share a few tricks of the trade:Let go of the desire to be in control.If one of you does something better than the other, then play to each other’s strengths. Don’t worry about gender roles. If your husband loves to cook, let him do it. There’s no reason you can’t mow the grass if being outdoors is more your style.Appreciate each other, and remember to show it.Pay attention.If you notice something is difficult for your partner, then don’t force her to do it. Notice what she likes to do and what motivates her. “Pay the same attention to each other as you did when you were courting,” David advises.Don’t take the business home.“One of the things we had to learn was not to bring anger or frustration we felt against our employees into our relationship,” Davidsays.Praise first.Even if you have to criticize your spouse, watch how you do it. Point out something he does right first.Learn to disagree without being disagreeable.Take time apart.Cultivate relationships, hobbies and joy outside of the partnership. Maintain your identity as individuals.Let the little stuff go.Take a step back and remember the bigger vision for both your marriage and yourbusiness.
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