Relationships | Live Happy

10 Quick Fixes Every Parent Should Know

Life as a a parent is complicated. There is no one quick fixes that can completely solve the jigsaw puzzle of our responsibilities. But sometimes a small, simple solution to a tiny-but-nagging problem—a hack, a workaround—is exactly what we need. Eliminating the lost-keys-what’s-for-dinner-tonight-level annoyances opens up time and mental space for the Important Stuff: rest, exercise, productive work, and joyful time spent with family and friends. These 10 tips will save you a few precious minutes (and perhaps a few dollars) each week. If you devote this “found” time and money to what’s most important to you, your happiness is bound to increase. 1. Come up with three dinners that use pantry ingredients You probably already have a few simple go-to dishes that are satisfying, nourishing and easy to prepare. Alter the recipes (if necessary) so you can make three family favorites using onlyingredients that you already have in the pantry and freezer. Swap fresh vegetables for frozen, even if that’s not your usual practice (peas and edamame in particular are good frozen). Store shredded cheese in the freezer so it’s always ready to go. Once you know what your favorite pantry meals are—this is key—religiously keep these ingredients stocked in your home. There, now you’ll always have something for dinner. Bonus hack: Double the recipe for stews and casseroles, and store the extra meal in the freezer. 2. Use over-the-door clear pocket shoe holders everywhere Shoe organizers can organize so much more than shoes! In the bathroom, store styling products, hair clips, sunscreen, and bandages. In kids’ rooms, organize small toy and stuffed animal collections. In the laundry room, hold clothespins, stain sticks, and orphan socks. In the office, store small electronics with their associated chargers and cables. 3. Hang a whiteboard in the kitchen so everyone can add to the grocery list. Whoever is going shopping, take a phone picture of the board! This way you have shared responsibility for the list. No data entry in spreadsheets or fussy grocery list apps; no lost or forgotten slip of paper. Genius. 4. Attach a carabiner clip to your keychain, and clip your keys to your purse strap. You’ll never lose your keys again. With your keys visible, you’re also less likely to lock them in the car. 5. Flatten toilet paper rolls to slow down the spin. Your kids will use less toilet paper, and the roll is less likely to unravel onto the floor. 6. Take digital pictures of your kid’s favorite art projects, then repurpose the originals. This hack lets you save the best of your kid’s art, share its beauty and declutter at the same time. Take digital photos of your kids’ best and/or favorite art projects. Then transform the originals into wrapping paper, gift labels, birthday cards and gifts. (Especially popular with grandparents and teachers.) If you’re ambitious, collect the photos in a photobook and give that as a gift, or keep it as a memento for yourself and the artists themselves. 7. Keep a kitchen timer in every room in your house. Of all the gadgets floating around my home, the most useful has been the basic wind-up kitchen timer. The timer speeds shared cleanup time (we see how much we can get done before it rings). The timer also stands in as a neutral third party that announces screen time limits, turn-taking reminders, shower ending times, homework breaks and cool-down periods after arguments. It’s like having a trusty lieutenant. Bonus hack: While traveling or running errands, use the timer on your mobile phone to set time limits in stores. 8. Use a password management app to store more than passwords. I use 1Password to securely store passwords, account numbers, credit card numbers and my kids’ Social Security numbers. Not only is the information secure, it’s also automatically synced between my computer and mobile device. Having this information on hand simplifies filling out forms in banks and other official places. I can more easily conduct business using my mobile phone, and I can log into a website from a computer that’s not mine. (I’m careful never to let public browsers auto-save my passwords.) 9. Keep your toddler from rolling out of bed with a rolled towel Great hack for when your child is ready to move from a crib into a “big kid” bed: place a rolled towel under the fitted sheet along the edge of the bed. 10. Fold sheet sets and store them inside one of the pillowcases. This tip will save you laundry folding and organizing hassle and will de-clutter your linen closet—especially if you have beds of different sizes. Plus, you’ll never scramble for clean guest sheets again. (I can’t be the only one who does this, right?)

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Teen Angst or Teen Anguish?

My friend Lydia recently asked if I could recommend a therapist for her 14-year-old daughter, Helen, who’d left a note for her mom that read, “I’m really sad. I think I need to talk to somebody.” Lydia came to me for advice because she knew that my own daughter (a pal of her child’s since nursery school) was recovering from an eating disorder, and that over the past year we’d tried several treatment approaches before finding one that worked. She figured I’d have some insight about child-focused therapists in our area, which I did and was happy to pass along. Lydia was concerned, but not panicked, about Helen’s down-tick in mood. “We’d just had a bad family holiday,” she told me, “and many of her friends are dealing with all sorts of mental and emotional problems; one girl has so much anxiety she’s being home-schooled. I think Helen’s worried she might have a problem too, or at least thinks she couldhave. At one point she told me, ‘I feel bad when I’m happy because all my friends are sad.’ ” The age of anxiety—and more It’s not surprising that Helen was encountering so much emotional mayhem among her friends. Adolescence can be a period of physical and emotional hell. And for many kids, the challenges run deeper than acne breakouts and romantic breakups. According to a landmark study supported by the National Institute of Mental Health, half of all lifetime cases of mental illness start at age 14. What’s more, the research found, mental disorders among teens and young adults often go undiagnosed for 10 years or more, which can be devastating: The longer a mental illness is untreated, the worse it can become and the more likely it is that a co-occurring disorder will develop. But teen behavior can be deceptive. It’s often tough to tell the difference between age-appropriate ennui and a true psychiatric disorder. “As teens gain independence, they’re more likely to share what they’re going through with peers than with parents,” says Darcy Gruttadaro, director of the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Child & Adolescent Action Center. “And parents can easily write off mood shifts as due to social or academic pressure or hormones.” It’s important to note that “one of the most powerful myths surrounding adolescence is that raging hormones cause teenagers to ‘go mad’ or ‘lose their minds.’ That’s simply false,” writes Daniel J. Siegel. M.D., in Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain. “Hormones do increase during this period, but it is not the hormones that determine what goes on in adolescence. We now know that what adolescents experience is primarily the result of changes in the development in the brain.” Judy Moody and the eating disorder I can relate. I had no idea my child was in trouble until three of her friends reported to the guidance counselor that she never ate lunch, she seemed really unhappy and they were worried about her. Sure, I’d noticed she was slimming down, but I chalked it up to the fact that she was also growing taller. Likewise I mistook her tendency to hole up in her bedroom to be a typical teen’s preference for keeping to herself. And her listless, gloomy, Eeyore-ness seemed perfectly normal: Aren’t all teenage girls moody? Even after speaking to the guidance counselor I couldn’t quite believe my daughter was ill. But when I took her to the pediatrician, the extent of the problem was right there on her growth chart: Since birth her weight had increased perfectly in step with her height, but this time, when the doctor plotted the two measurements, the line connecting her weight from the year before to her current one plummeted sharply down and away from the height line. This, plus other symptoms, confirmed that she was anorexic. It turned out that she was also depressed. Why so sad? “Teens can be genetically predisposed to mood disorders, which certain circumstances can activate,” says Phoebe Farber, Ph.D., a psychologist in private practice in Montclair, N.J., who sees a lot of kids and teenagers. (This was likely the case for my daughter. My father was bipolar, and I’ve struggled with depression, too.) Even when there’s no family history of mental illness, adolescence is rife with factors that put teens at special risk for all shades of the blues, from garden-variety glumness to downright depression. A big one is the “struggle to become independent and autonomous, and the desire for freedom and experimentation while still having to abide by parents’ rules,” says Phoebe. “This clash of expectations is like planets colliding and has always been a huge source of angst for teens.” Other common triggers for teen torpor are personality traits like shyness that make it tough to navigate relationships, school pressure and sexual identity issues. A 2008 survey by the Human Rights Campaign of 10,000 lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) kids ages 13 to 17 revealed that while 67 percent of straight teens consider themselves happy, only 37 percent of LGBT teens do. “Among the overriding feelings many teens have across these spheres are alienation and isolation, the belief that ‘no one understands me and there’s no one I can talk to,’ ” says Phoebe. On the other hand, teenagers are greatly influenced by their peers, and even fundamentally happy and healthy kids may feel the pull of peer pressure while evaluating how they compare to and fit in with their friends, as Helen did. Luckily, after three therapy sessions, she realized she was OK and told her mom she didn’t need to continue; the therapist agreed. But other kids can take copycat behavior much further. My daughter told me, “I see it all the time—people who most likely don’t have a real issue but who see eating disorders and self-harm and other mental illness as tragically beautiful and mysterious.” She said one friend drew lines on her arm with a red lip liner to make it look like she’d been cutting herself. Adds Phoebe: “The power of the group is strong; the gravitational force is toward belonging, not separating.” Depressed, or just down in the dumps? Given how complicated it can be to decipher a teenager’s moodiness, it’s important for parents to watch out for the hallmarks of depression, which can be very different for a kid than for an adult.According to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, if a teenager develops one or more of these symptoms, it’s time to seek help: · Frequent sadness, tearfulness, crying · Decreased interest in activities or inability to enjoy previously favorite activities · Hopelessness · Persistent boredom; low energy · Social isolation, poor communication · Low self-esteem and guilt · Extreme sensitivity to rejection or failure · Increased irritability, anger or hostility · Difficulty with relationships · Frequent complaints of physical illnesses such as headaches and stomachaches · Frequent absences from school or poor performance in school · Poor concentration · A major change in eating and/or sleeping patterns · Talk of or efforts to run away from home · Thoughts or expressions of suicide or self-destructive behavior “If you see your child behaving in a way that’s different than usual, it’s a red flag,” adds Phoebe. “Be aware of a pattern of changes in behavior or appearance over a period of time, not just a bad day or an isolated bad mood.” Ease into the discussion And then what do you do? “Tread lightly,” says Phoebe. “Don’t try to find out what’s going on during the heat of an argument. Bring up your concerns when you’re both calm and feeling connected. Even then, don’t be too direct; say something like, ‘I’ve noticed you’re spending a lot of time in your room.’ Then see what you get. Above all, don’t switch into lecture mode; this is something my adolescent clients complain about all the time.” Awareness is also important. “We give kids tools for how to say no to alcohol and drugs; we teach them about STDs and smoking and the dangers of texting while driving. But we don’t talk about mental illness, even though of the more than 4,000 teens we lose to suicide each year, 90 percent have a diagnosable and treatable disorder,” says Darcy. She believes the message should come from all directions, that parents should be talking about mental illness at home, primary care doctors should be bringing it up during checkups and schools should be offering educational programs like NAMI’s Ending the Silence (50-minute presentations to high school students by folks who’ve experienced mental illness). A strong foundation Above all, build a strong bond with your child before she dives into the murkiness of adolescence, adds Phoebe. Show her that you’re listening and not always talking at her. Curb the criticism; don’t be judgmental. Developing rituals often helps. “My daughter loves Grey’s Anatomy, so I watch it with her,” says Phoebe. Now that my own child is healing from her eating disorder and receptive to spending time with me, we poke around in vintage clothing stores together. I like combing through racks of old clothes in search of wearable treasure, but even if I didn’t, it would be worth it just to spend the time with my daughter. If you know a teenager who is suffering or needs help, here is a list of resources: Teen Lineis a 24-hour hotline staffed by other teens. Teen Health and Wellness is a hotline as well as online resource. Teen Mental Health lists more than a dozen useful resources for parents and teens.

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6 Tips That Help Me Be the Parent I Want to Be

We all want to be calm,cheerful, light-hearted andfun-loving for our families.But in the tumult of everyday life,it’s easy to fall short. In those times,remember this: Though you can’tmake your children happy—they haveto figure it out for themselves—youcan influence your family’s happiness.Here are just a few strategies Iuse to cultivate an atmosphere oflove and happiness at home:1. Get enough sleepIf I want to be cheerful, energetic andmentally sharp for my family, I have toget enough sleep. After always beingstrict with my daughters’ bedtimes,I realized that, like most adults, I needat least seven hours of sleep each nightto function at my highest level, and nowI work hard to meet that minimum.2. Get up earlyA few years ago, because I wanted acalmer, less hurried morning with myfamily, I started getting up earlier. Now,I get up an hour before my children,giving me a chance to work at my desk,have coffee and check email before it’stime to roust everyone out of bed.3. Instill outer order to create inner calmI find that when I take the time tohang up a coat or close a drawer,I feel more energetic and cheerful asI engage with my family. After I tackleclutter, I feel less hurried because I canfind and stow things easily. Havingmore order in my cabinets and closetsmakes me feel more energetic andcheerful as I engage with my family.4. Follow the 1-minute ruleIt’s simple: If I can accomplish a taskin less than a minute, I do it withoutdelay. If I can read and sign a letterfrom a teacher, answer an email,look for the scissors, I go aheadand do it. Because the tasks are soquick, it isn’t hard to make myselffollow the rule—but it makes me feelmore serene, less overwhelmed.5. Give warm greetings and farewellsThe way we act toward one anothershapes the way we feel about oneanother, so my family follows aresolution: Give warm greetingsand farewells. Every time one of us comes or goes, we go to the door andgive that person a kiss, a hug anda real moment of our attention.6. Remember to cherish todayI’m reminded of something the writerColette said: “What a wonderful life I’vehad! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.”When I feel overwhelmed or annoyedby parenting responsibilities, I remind myself that one day, I’ll look back on thisseason of my life with great nostalgia.How about you? What strategiesdo you use to help yourself be thekind of parent you want to be? Let us know in the Comments section, below, or on our Facebook page.GRETCHEN RUBIN is the best-selling author of The Happiness Projectand Happier at Home, and is currently working on her latest book, Before and After, scheduled for release in 2015. She is considered one of the most influential writers on happiness today, and has become an in-demand speaker and keynoter.Gretchen has also made appearances on the Today show, CBS Sunday Morning and Booknotes. You can readabout Gretchen’s adventures in the pursuit of happiness and habits on her blog at GretchenRubin.com.

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Love Him to the Max

It's 7:15 on a Saturday morning and my son, Max, is sitting in bed with me, watching Disney Junior and snorting. (He has allergies.) "Ih-hoo NOW!" he says. (Translation: "Tissue now!") I'm not psyched to roll out of bed and grab a tissue. And yet I smile, because I'm impressed: Embedded in his request are a whole lot of wonders. Max is communicating, trying his best to articulate words. He is expressing a need. He understands the immediacy. Then he blows his nose. "Good job!" I say, and I mean it; until a few years ago, he didn't get how to do that.Booger controlBooger control isn't something that typically gets parents excited. "Able to expel snot" isn't a milestone you'll find listed on any child development website or in those What to Expect books. Yet as the mom of a child with cerebral palsy and intellectual disability, for me this is an exciting moment. I relish them all—even the seemingly icky ones.Max had a stroke at birth (yes, babies can have strokes) that resulted in brain damage. Doctors didn't give my husband and me much hope; they said Max might never walk or talk, and that he could have significant cognitive impairment. Max was in the NICU for two weeks, and the months that followed were the grimmest ones of my life. Why had this happened to my baby? I didn't want to talk with friends. I wept a lot.Go Max, Go!But Max, well, he didn't know from despair. He smiled at 2 months old, right on time; kept up the good cheer; and generally tried the best he could. We got him a ton of therapy to help with movement and speech; cerebral palsy messes with your muscles, making even activities like chewing or waving a challenge. Every single bit of progress was cause for celebration: Max grasped a block! Max made a babbling sound! Max stood while holding onto the sofa!One night, my husband and I took Max out to dinner when he was about 18 months old. We placed the car seat on the table so we could speak with him; the speech therapists told us to talk with him as much as possible. I gave him a roll to hold onto. A couple minutes later, Max flung it onto another table. "YEAH!!!" I exclaimed, thrilled that he had maneuvered his arm like that. The couple at the adjoining table glared at me, most likely thinking I was the rudest mom in the universe. How could I explain?A different set of milestonesBy the time Max was 2 years old, he was commando-crawling around the house like an army solider. His arms weren't strong enough to hold him up, but he was determined to move his body however he could. At 3 years old, he toddled across his room and into my arms.Hitting a milestone like walking seemed miraculous, yet Max's smaller achievements also put me on a high. Not only were they reassuring, they kept me grounded. Of course, I wanted Max to do the major stuff typically developing kids did: to speak words, ride a bike, read. Yet hoping too hard and too much only left me anxious; taking heart in the mini-milestones helped my spirits progress.Managing expectationsOne of the toughest parts of being a mom of a kid with special needs is letting go of your fantasies about what life as a parent was supposed to be like and finding your new happy. The passage of time helps, as does the realization that being a mopey mess does your kid no good. For me, blogging has become an amazing outlet to express concerns and inspire other moms. The occasional cathartic cry in the shower also comes in handy.Max is 11 now, and as good-humored as ever (every therapist, doctor and specialist who meets him falls under his spell). He walks really well, and rides an adaptive tricycle like a speed demon. He has challenges using his hands, but does the best he can. He talks in his own way, and although I know what he's saying, it's hard for others to decipher. So he has a speech app on his iPad that he uses to speak words for him, and he's downright masterful at navigating it. He's bright—he has started reading and does basic math. He is on his own timeline, and I am in no rush.Max's favorite song is "Happy" by Pharrell Williams. When he hears it, his face lights up, and he literally does a happy dance. It is impossible not to get a lift when he does it. Yes, it's über-cute, but this is also what I see: Max is moving his feet in rhythm to the beat! Max is raising both arms in the air! Max is singing along!As always, there is so, so much to be happy about.

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10 Ways to Build Community

We all thrive from connection—whether it’s with family, friends or neighbors. Creating a network of friendly relationships in your neighborhood can give you a greater feeling of belonging and wellbeing. Working together to create a tighter-knit community makes you feel like you are part of something bigger than yourself. Here are nine simple ideas to get you started:1. Step outside your front door. Sometimes, you have to leave your house to make things happen, but you don’t have to go far. Casual encounters are sometimes the best kind. Meet neighbors while getting your mail, planting flowers or weeding out front. Tinker in your garage with the door open, or just hang out on your front porch or lawn. Try walking to a nearby business instead of driving, when possible, and you're more likely to run into others on the way.2. Front yard fun.Pretend your front yard is your backyard, and focus your leisure and play activities out there. Put your picnic table or lawn chairs out front and hang out; as you read or watch the world go by, people will stop to chat and introduce themselves. If you have kids, host a lemonade stand on a hot day. Not only will you meet more neighbors, your kids will also earn a few bucks.3. Host a block party or neighborhood potluck.Pick a date and time and distribute a flier for a neighborhood cookout, potluck or party. Everyone can participate and share in the hosting. Have your cookout at a common area like a nearby park or a clubhouse—or on your own front lawn, if that works. It’s not a new idea, but it’s still one of the nicest way to meet your neighbors on a positive footing.4. Plant a community garden.If you have a common grassy area or someone who is willing to donate part of their land, you can create a community garden where lots of hands, big and little, can create something beautiful together. Often a neighbor with some gardening knowledge can take charge, or you might hire someone from the local nursery to come tutor you and get things started.5. Establish a book-lending cupboard.Imagine a tiny little library in a neighborhood park. A library cupboard typically looks like a big mailbox with a clear glass door and books inside. Leave a book, take a book. Check out LittleFreeLibrary.org to get started.6. Start a tool lending library. See if your community library can donate a space that you can turn it into atool sharing center. Neighbors can donate used tools, and if possible, get donations from local hardware and home stores. Need a tiller, a chainsaw, a snow-blower or a tall ladder? Instead of every household stocking its own stash of power tools, make it a shared community resource. 7. Create a neighborhood social media page. Private neighborhood Facebook pages were becoming so popular that the idea spawned its own company, Nextdoor.com. This electronic bulletin board allows people to share recommendations for everything from preschool to refrigerator repair; find the home of a lost dog, or share information about your upcoming garage sale. According to the company, 70 new neighborhoods launch a neighborhood website every day in the US. Volunteer to start it up or be the facilitator.8. Organize a neighborhood garage sale. Pick out a time and place, announce it on your neighborhood social media and on cardboard signs, and get together to bond with neighbors over old lamps and baby strollers.9. Give a warm welcome.See a new neighbor move in? Pop by with a fruit basket, cookies or bottle of wine and a welcoming note. It’s a great way to actually meet, instead of waving blankly across the driveway. As a bonus, it puts you in a better position, should you ever need to borrow a cup of sugar or have someone water your plants while you’re away.10. Ask yourself how you can be a better neighbor. If you set out to be a fabulous neighbor you can set a positive tone for your community and others will follow. Look out for elderly neighbors by checking in on them occasionally or bringing them something from the store. Pick up the mail or newspaper for a neighbor who is traveling, or shovel a neighbor’s driveway in the winter if they are unable to do it themselves. Even just smiling and waving when you pass someone in the street has the cumulative effect of warming up the neighborhood.

Teenager rolling her eyes, parents in background

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Overparenting Anonymous

I’ve written these steps to provide encouragement to well-intentioned, devoted, loving, intelligent parents who feel powerless to stop themselves from overindulging, overprotecting, and overscheduling their children. Parents who get jittery if their offspring aren’t performing at a high level in every area. And parents who have unwittingly allowed traits like self-reliance, resilience, accountability and a spirit of adventure to slip to the bottom of their parenting priority list.1. Don’t confuse a snapshot taken today with the epic movie of your child’s life.Kids go through phases. Glorious ones and alarming ones.2. Don’t fret over or try to fix what’s not broken.Accept your child’s nature even if he’s shy, stubborn, moody, or not great at math.3. Look at anything up close and you’ll see the flaws.Consider it perfectly normal if you like your child’s friends better than you like your child.4. Work up the courage to say a simple “no.”Don’t try to reach consensus every time.5. Encourage your child to play or spend time outside using all five senses in the three-dimensional world.How come only troubled rich kids get to go to the wilderness these days? Send your kids to camp for the longest stretch of time you can afford. Enjoy nature together as a family.6. Don’t mistake children’s wants with their needs.Don’t fall for a smooth talker’s line about the urgent need for a cell phone “in case of an emergency, Mom!” or a new car “because it’s so much safer than your old van.” Privileges are not entitlements.7. Remember that kids are hardy perennials, not hothouse flowers.Let them be cold, wet, or hungry for more than a second and they’ll appreciate the chance to be warm, dry, and fed.8. Abstain from taking the role of Sherpa, butler, crabby concierge, secret police, short order cook, or lady’s maid. Your child is hard-wired for competence. Let them do things for themselves.9. Before you nag, remind, criticize, advise, chime in, preach, or over-explain, say to yourself “W.A.I.T.” or “Why am I talking?”Listen four times more than you talk.10.Remember that disappointments are necessary preparation for adult life.When your child doesn’t get invited to a friend’s birthday party, make the team, or get a big part in the play, stay calm. Without these experiences she’ll be ill-equipped for the real world.11.Be alert but not automatically alarmed.Question yourself. Stop and reflect: Is this situation unsafe or just uncomfortable for my child? Is it an emergency or a new challenge?12.Learn to love the words “trial” and “error.”Let your child make mistakes before going off to college. Grant freedom based on demonstrated responsibility and accountability, not what all the other kids are doing.13.Don’t be surprised or discouraged when your big kid has a babyish tantrum or meltdown.Don’t confuse sophistication with maturity. Setbacks naturally set them back. They set us back too, but we can have a margarita.14.Allow your child to do things that scare you.Don’t mistake vulnerability for fragility. If you want her to grow increasingly independent and self-confident, let her get her learner’s permit when she comes of age; don’t offer a nuanced critique of her best friend or crush.15.Don’t take it personally if your teenager treats you badly.Judge his character not on the consistency of in-house politeness, clarity of speech, or degree of eye contact but on what teachers say, whether he’s welcomed by his friends’ parents, and his manners towards his grandparents, the neighbors, salespeople and servers in restaurants.16.Don’t automatically allow your child to quit.When she lobbies passionately against continuing an activity or program that “isn’t how I thought it would be!” it’s tempting to exhaust yourself selling him on the benefits. Instead remind yourself that first impressions are not always enduring; that a commitment to a team or group is honorable; and that your investment (of time and/or money) is not to be taken for granted. But do take her reasoned preferences into account when making future plans.17.Refrain from trying to be popular with your children just because your parents weren’t as attuned to your emotional needs as you might have wished.Watch out for the common parental pattern ofnice, nice, nice…furious!18.Avoid the humblebrag parent lest you begin to believe that your child is already losing the race.Remind yourself that kids’ grades, popularity or varsity ranking are not a measure of your worth as a parent (nor theirs as people). Recognize that those other parents are lying.19.Wait at least 24 hours before shooting off an indignant email to a teacher, coach, or the parent of a mean classmate. Don’t be a “drunk texter.”Sleep on it.20.Consider the long-term consequences of finding workarounds for the “no-candy-in-camp-care-packages” rule.If you demonstrate that rules are made to be broken and shortcuts can always be found, you have given your child license to plagiarize or cheat on tests.21.Maintain perspective about school and college choices. Parents caught up in the admissions arms race forget that the qualities of the student rather than the perceived status of the school are the best predictor of a good outcome.22.Treat teachers like the experts and allies they are.Give your child the chance to learn respect. It’s as important a lesson as Algebra 2. Remember how life-changing a good relationship with a teacher can be.23.Praise the process and not the product.Appreciating your child’s persistence and hard work reinforces the skills and habits that lead to success far more than applauding everyday achievements or grades.24.If you want your child to be prepared to manage his future college workload and responsibilities, take care before you hire a tutor, a private coach, or college application consultant.There’s no room for all of them in a dorm room.25.Rather than lurking, snooping, sniping or giving up, practice sensible stewardship of your child’s online activities.Evaluate her level of self-respect and good judgment in other areas.26.Treat ordinary household chores and paid jobs as more important learning opportunities than jazzy extracurriculars. With real-world experience, your child will develop into an employable (and employed) adult. That said, accept that older children will get chores done on AST (Adolescent Standard Time).

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The Dynamic Communicator

The ability to communicate effectively and thoughtfully empowers each of us with skills for greater happiness and success. While communication can be learned and refined over time, it is important to remember that we have been picking up communication experience from the beginning of our lives, when we moved around and kicked in the womb—as if to announce, “I’m here!” Born to communicate Ask any woman who has ever been pregnant, and she will immediately recall her delight at the sensation of receiving that first message from her unborn child. When we are born, we cry. Our first verbal communication with the world says, “It’s cold, and the lights are too bright!” From our first breath, we are trying to communicate: I am here. I exist. These are the same fundamental desires we all carry with us throughout our entire lifetimes. As we grow, our caregivers help us refine the way we ask for things, and hopefully, teach us how to communicate clearly, speak and listen effectively, and learn to balance the needs and wants of ourselves with the needs and wants of others. Going from so-so to dynamic While trying to learn effective skills to communicate, we succeed and stumble along the way. As kids, we demand and react. As teenagers, we push boundaries and act out, and higher thinking and advanced communication skills come into play as we learn to negotiate with our parents and teachers. Over time, our communication style becomes influenced by our friends, bosses, intimate relationships and co-workers. As an adult, you have probably settled on a communication style you are comfortable with. Now, I want to encourage even more growth and suggest that you go from good to great—from being a reasonably effective communicator to a dynamic communicator! (Take this quiz to find out what kind of communicator you are.) Dynamic communication is an ever-evolving art and is the ability to consciously interact and react thoughtfully. Once you get past the baseline of basic talking, everything else can be learned, practiced and improved throughout your life. If you practice these skills enough, they will become part of who you are. Dynamic communicators are more thoughtful; they have very little conflict in their lives, and they get more of what they want out of every situation and relationship because they’ve mastered how to get it! Now, doesn’t that sound appealing? The skills you need: • Recognize that how you communicate sets the tone for how the world sees you and treats you. • Learn to respond consciously. Think before you react. • Listen to your grown-up voice, logic and rationale and refuse to allow your past history to influence your present behavior. • Keep yourself—and others—in check. Apologize, walk away and take the higher road for good. • Don’t bring up 20 things that happened in the past—with anyone. Focus on the here and now, and move forward. • Care more about the long-term outcome than you do about the immediate gratification of being right. Gifts of the dynamic communicator Life, unfortunately, is full of intense, high-drama situations where even the best communicators are put to the test—not to mention the small day-to-day annoyances such as rude waiters, indifferent salespeople and sarcastic co-workers. As dynamic communicators, we must be alert to the red flags in ourselves and others that might lead us down the road to a bad experience. What I’ve noticed in years of counseling clients is that a common hindrance to dynamic interaction is the need to be right. You have to care more about the long-term outcome than you do about the immediate gratification of being heard, being louder, winning, getting the last word or being right. A dynamic communicator lets go of the need to win. The real winning comes from a successful relationship, not scoring points. You want to win the war, not fight endless battles. Ultimately, dynamic interaction leaves both people walking away feeling satisfied or happy. One or both may have compromised during the process, but neither is walking away upset, hurt or feeling that he got short shrift. A dynamic communicator knows when the time has come for that long overdue talk or when to walk away and cut communications altogether or which tool to employ along the way so it doesn’t come to either of those extremes. If you don’t know which tool to use, you can certainly say, “I need to think about this.” Then talk to friends, reflect, get advice and then get back to the person you want to speak with. Better communication means closer relationships In the end, when you have worked on becoming a dynamic communicator, learning to interact thoughtfully and effectively with others, you will find that the road to happiness is smoother and easier to find. And, as an added bonus,you’ll have relationships and dialogues that are deeper, more meaningful and significantly more satisfying.

Adam Shell and Nicholas Kraft in Valencia, CA

relationships

Happy Trails

We hear a lot about finding happiness, but it’s not every day that you hear about an actual pursuit. Meet Adam Shell and Nicholas Kraft, two filmmakers who are traveling coast to coast to find the happiest people. (Along the way, they are also blogging for our website.) The idea for their latest documentary, Pursuing Happiness, stemmed from Adam’s previous film, Finding Kraftland. He followed Hollywood film music agent Richard Kraft and his son, Nicholas, on a worldwide quest to get as much joy and excitement out of life as possible. Overwhelmingly positive feedback from film festival screenings of Finding Kraftland inspired their next venture. The happiest person in town “I made a film that’s actually inspiring people to find happiness. Doing things and having the attitude of being happy were always something of high importance to me,” Adam says. “I wanted to see if I could actually spread more happiness and inspire people to think about their own happiness.” In Pursuing Happiness, Adam and Nicholas talk to psychologists, researchers, theologians and, more important, everyday people, to find out as much as they can about happiness. There has been no shortage of people to interview. Somebody knows someone who is the happiest person they know. From time to time they find themselves in a town where they don’t know a soul. Then they start talking to strangers. “It’s not about the happiest place in America. The real focus is to find a wide variety from different parts of the country,” Nicholas says. “Part of it is to capture those differences and part of it is to show what unites us.” The secret to happiness The most frequently asked question when people discover the scope of their project is, “What is the secret?” Since happiness means different things to different people, there isn’t a single answer. And while their journey is far from over, they are starting to see a trend: Happier people usually come from stronger communities. “It always comes down to community and connecting with people, and that’s where we have definitely found the happiest people in the tightest communities,” Adam says. “We are pack animals. And as a pack, we are strong; as individuals we are weak,” Adam explains. “The idea of sharing is the utmost idea in the history of humanity, right? Because when you share, that strengthens the community, and when you strengthen the community, your chances of survival improve.” The most encouraging aspect to this project is that the secret to happiness seems to be no secret at all. There is no unattainable grail. Everything about being happy has already been said. Which is not to say that there isn’t a lot to understand,” Nicholas points out. “It is kind of like music. There are only 12 notes and people are still composing music with those 12 notes. I think there are only a limited number of things that really contribute to happiness, and those are things that we already know.”

relationships

Your Child’s Sparks

One of the most interesting things to emerge from the landmark 2012 American FamilyAssets Study was the concept of “sparks,” meaning those talents and interests that really light up kids and make them tick. Encouraging each other’s sparks, according to Pennsylvania StateUniversity professor J. Douglas Coatsworth, who consulted on the study, makes a big difference in the wellbeing and happiness of a family.Finding their special talentThese interests, when pursued over time, can help kids attain a positive sense of mastery, which has been linked to self-esteem. Eventually, when playing piano or painting a mural, they may even enter a state of "flow," a heightened sense of happiness and being in the moment.“Those activities or skills,those are really the strengthsthey see in themselves,” says Doug. “We started asking ourselves, ‘What is itthat families were doing that made themfunction well and helped parents raisehappier, healthier kids?’ ”Every child has sparks. Dougestimates 75 percent of kidscan identify things in their livesthat make them feel different,special, alive and real. Maybeit’s swimming, dance, chess,tennis or writing. “What happens with someparents is they don’t see that,”he says. “They’re so caught-upin raising that child the waythey feel they’re supposed to raise that child, or the way theyfeel their neighbor thinks theyshould raise that child, thatthey’re missing some reallyimportant parts of being ayoung kid or a teen.”Setting limits, discipline andbehavioral control resonatemore easily with many parents, according to Doug.Focus on the positive“It’s much harder for manyparents to examine thestrengths of their kids. Askparents, ‘What are your kids’positive qualities?’ They mightsay a few things. ‘What is your kid really interested andinvested in? What makes themgo? What’s their spark?’ Lotsof parents can’t do that. Theydon’t connect with their kidsat that deep emotional levelthat is really the core of thatchild’s being. And that’s reallywhat that spark is—whatthat child feels is his or heressence. And parents aren’t intouch with that.”Supporting your child’ssparks is even more difficultwhen they aren’t the sameas yours, according to Doug. “The saddest thing,the absolute saddest thing, isa parent trying to make a kidwho has a spark for playingthe piano into a linebacker.But parents do it all the time.”

relationships

Family Strong

There’s good news about families. Regardless of life’s inevitable challenges, families remain strong, resilient and lasting when attainable characteristics, practices and priorities are in place. These common strengths of thriving families can be found in a wide variety of family make-ups and circumstances. They’re not tied to family structure, nor are they guaranteed by wealth. They are a result of getting the basics right.Any family can have any strength or combination of strengths. The presence of a single strength can help a family stay or become strong. The basic strengths of strong families, according to research, include characteristics like the ability to adapt to change, having clear roles for family members and maintaining overall physical, mental and economic health. Practices like spending family time together, communicating with and being committed to each other, and establishing accountability and mutual respect are considered key strengths. Also on the list are priorities like having community ties, spirituality, cultural traditions and an extended sense of family.The most recent and broadest research is the American FamilyAssets Study by Minneapolis’ SearchInstitute, a nonprofit dedicated to discovering what kids need to succeed. The Search Institute has spent the last 50 years looking into the strengths in young people’s lives, and the last 25 focused on developing assets they need to grow up successfully. Their study, published in 2012, was based on the results of a 2011 Harris Interactive survey, which polled a diverse cross-section of more than 1,500 families. “A big part of our research is understanding the power of focusing on strengths ... of counterbalancing the negative messages about kids and families that are out there,” says Eugene C. Roehlkepartain, Ph.D., the institute’s vice president of research and development. “We know that family is important, and yet it’s sometimes hard to be tangible about what that means.”Eugene and his team had a sensethat what was happening in familiesand what those families shared ascommon strengths were part of whatthey needed to tap into to help buildstronger families. In the end they identified 21 tangible things families can do to bestronger units. These family strengths, or“assets,” as the institute refers tothem, center around five commonqualities or actions:1. Nurturing RelationshipsAre family members respectfully listening to each other? Showing each other affection? Encouraging each other? Asking about each other’s highs and lows of the day is a great way to keep in emotional touch. “Relationships shape us so much, as do the quality of the relations with each other,” Eugene says. “The way we get along shapes family life. It matters. It’s what gets us throughchallenging times.”There are high societal expectationsof closeness. There is no other group ofpeople we spend more time with. There is no relationship like the parent-child relationship. And there are no other relationships where those involved have such a great stake in each other’s lives. We are responsible for each other. Sometimes grandparents are part of that immediate family. Sometimes friends are.2. Establishing RoutinesAre you eating dinner together? Hanging out together by planning regular game or movie nights? Creating meaningful traditions, like half-birthday celebrations or doing fondue as the first meal of the new school year? Can you depend on each other? Do you have a family calendar everyone has access to?Kathleen Fischer, a Dallas-based family and parenting coach and author, uses the 21 Family Assets often when working with families and refers to family dinnertime as a secret weapon.“When parents say, ‘How am I going to connect with my kids?’ I ask how many times they eat dinner as a family. This is your best tool, your most consistent, easiest way to broach tough subjects, to check in, to get a barometer ;on how they’re doing in the day.”3. Maintaining ExpectationsAre the rules fair? The boundaries well-defined? Can you discuss the tough topics? Is everyone contributing? “As your kid is moving toward being in charge of his own life, the amount he’s contributing back to the family is important,” Kathleen says. “I’m not talking about money. I’m talking about, ‘Would you pick up a gallon of milk?’ ‘Would you take Jonathan to soccer practice?’ If my kid is on the East Coast in college and Grandpa is getting over pneumonia, can he take the train down to Philly and check on him? Not only is it a relief to Mom and Dad, Grandma and Grandpa, but it also says to the kid, ‘You have a real role to play as you begin to contribute back to the family in adult ways.’ ”4. Adapting to ChallengesIs everyone doing what needs to be done at home, work and school? Do family duties need to adjust while Mom is out of town or your 16-year-old studies forfinals or a state debate competition?Does the family adapt well when faced with changes? Do you work together to solve problems? Is everyone’s voice heard? Even Eugene, who has been a parent for decades and has one senior in high school and a recent college graduate, learned something along the way. He was surprised at how important adaptability was to those interviewed forthe study.&“It’s easy to forget how important itis to adjust when things come up,” he says. “When we talked with families in the study, we weren’t originally thinking about this. We were thinking ;communications and routines, but people kept bringing this up, that they’d been through some tough stuff. To me, that was one of the pieces that stoodout. It’s actually something we cancelebrate, that we can use to get throughthe tough times.”5. Connecting to CommunitiesDo family members have relationshipswith others in the community, with coaches, teachers and other adults? Are neighbors looking out for each other? Do you feel a part of your community and are family members active in it and giving back to it? Are there nearby places each member of your family feels at home, like a neighborhood coffee shop, church or a friend’s house?Isolated families are not healthy families, Eugene says. “The best families are not cocoons against theworld, but families that are connectedand engaged in the world. Different people bring fresh perspectives, new ideas. When there’s a disaster, it’s theneighbors who help you through it.When a family becomes too isolated from activities and broader connections, it’s not good for them.”The study found that the more assetsa family has, the stronger parents and children will be. Broadly, kids from such families are more engaged in school, take better care of themselves and stand up when they see someone treated unfairly. Parents of these families also are more likely to watch their health and be active in their communities.“Across virtually every cross section of family, the vast majority want to do right by their kids,” Eugene says. “They want to be a good family even if they have had some tough knocks in life. How do we help them do that? One of the ways is to begin articulating key pieces of what that means, things they can actually do. We wanted to make the intangible tangible.”Strengths Trump Structure and DemographicsPeople sometimes equate a “good family” with a particular type of family—and that family usually looks like the person imagining the perfect family. The image of a strong family then becomes based on who is in the family, who isn’t in the family, as well as our own individual values.“That doesn’t capture enough about what a family is,” Eugene says. “You can have a traditional two-parent, two-kids-and-a-dog fabulous family. But you can also have a family that’s abusive and dysfunctional that looks just like that.” Regardless of the structure, “What are the processes and relationships going on with the family?” is whatis more important to ask, he says.“What happens when we pay attention to those?”The American Family Assets Studyshows those processes and relationships matter far more when you’re looking at outcomes than demographics do. Statistically controlling for family size, composition and neighborhood, demographics may account for 5 to 10 percent of the outcome difference among families (how happy and successful their children end up). The 21 Family Assets account for a 30 to 35 percent difference.“Family isn’t isolated, but has a unique role,” Eugene says. “You’ve been with them from early childhood, all the way through. And you have this deep bond and attachment. That’s just different than any other relationship.”Past Flaws in ThinkingSociety—and therefore, research—is generally problem-focused, says J._Douglas Coatsworth, Ph.D., professor of human development and family studies at Pennsylvania State University and a consultant on the Family Assets study. Earlier research and advicestemmed from clinical models workingwith children who were alreadyin trouble.“It’s easier for us to categorize andclassify along certain dimensions,”the professor says. “It’s much easierfor us to say, ‘This is a single-parentfamily,’ than to say, ‘This is a familythat provides love and nurturing, goodguidance, fair discipline and openconversation.’ The attributes of strongfamilies are harder to describe.”As Doug instructs his students toobserve in everyday situations, specificrelationships—mother and son, brotherand brother, sister and mother, father and son, sister to brother—seem totake precedence to the family as anentire unit.“It’s hard to conceptualize and talkabout the family as a whole thing,” hesays. “Families are really complex. It’sreally hard to measure how the family as a whole is functioning. It’s mucheasier to emphasize parenting.”The assets study is one of only a fewstudies since at least the ’70s, Eugenesays, that has tried to quantitativelylook at family strengths. It seems inmore recent years, we’ve gotten toocaught up in the techniques of parenting.But a positive spin on the family andchildren in the past decade has startedto cast a different lens on the family:“We started asking ourselves, ‘What is itthat families were doing that made themfunction well and helped parents raisehappier, healthier kids?’ ”The Search Institute researchuniquely includes the important rolechildren play in the strength of a family,a change Doug has seen in the researchcommunity in the last 15 or so years: “Some of the positives of the Family Assets have to do with what the youth contributes to the family. They have an important role and contribution. Recognizing that within a family is very important.”

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The Dynamic Communicator

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Family Strong

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