Kids laughing and playing outside

3 Ways to Lasting Happiness for Kids

We all love fleeting happiness. It feels fantastic in the moment. The challenge we faced with it is the moment leaves quickly, and unhappiness shows up at the door. The following are ways to strengthen your children’s growing sense of lasting happiness, so they don’t have to go from joy to pain, and back again continuously. Children can learn how to become happier, understand their emotions, and point in a direction that continually feeds their joy. Helping Others Have you ever noticed the more you place the focus on helping others, the more there is this “magic” that occurs, and you end up feeling happier. The thinking goes from “me, me, me” to “we, we, we” and you forget all the things that you were bothered by. The same is true for children. Guiding children to help others, share their toys, hold the door open, and volunteer as they get older, and participate in a “bigger” way in life are all ways to help them grow a happy heart. Recently, I had a client who volunteered to help his elderly neighbor clean up their yard, and the same family invited some foster youth over for a 4th of July barbeque. Whether it’s a smile, a nice word, or some other helping you or your children can do it is a recipe for happier life experiences. Using Challenges as Opportunities You can guide children to see situations as challenges to learn from, and opportunities to move in a better feeling direction. Think of challenges as stepping-stones to something better. For example, in my book: The Happiness Workbook for Kids, I have an activity where children put a problem inside a box (square) and they put on each of the four sides something they can learn from it. So, say, they wrote: My BFF is moving away. They can learn to: 1) Keep in touch on Facetime, and play videos games together in different places, 2) Make new friends, 3) Visit each other, and 4) Wish her good luck (even though it’s hard) in her new school. Learning from challenges, and pointing toward a better feeling situation makes children happier – every single time. Calming the Mind The number one thing I recommend to parents, especially new parents, is to help their children calm. Children who learn to calm themselves can often stop before making not-so smart choices. Some calming strategies to learn alongside your children include: Breathing techniques (for example, flower breath, hand on heart, hot soup all in The Happiness Workbook for Kids), Mindfulness (for example, can you spot all the red on our walk), Creative outlets, Exercise, and more. The aim is for your children to slow down, calm, and make those better choices even with tricky emotions! (Tip: Have your child teach you the activities, and they’ll be the feelings boss!) Becoming happier is a skill for children to learn – just like reading, counting, and making their own peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The aim is to have fun with it. Fill up your happiness bucket as a family and be creative. Do happiness experiments like gardening, going to the zoo, making a new recipe, watching a funny movie, or something deeper – helping others, learning to meditate or take a mindfulness walk. The door to lasting happiness is open for children, and they can learn to create real happiness sooner rather than later! Maureen Healy is a child therapist, mindfulness author, and leader in the field of children’s emotional health and happiness education. She writes for Psychology Today, and her books include: The Happiness Workbook for Kids (PESI), The Emotionally Healthy Child (preface from Dalai Lama) and Growing Happy Kids (HCI Books). Learn more about working with her, or reading her books: growinghappykids.com
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Loving Without Limits

Happy Activists Deliver Love to Moms

When Andrea Braovac-Bialk’s husband asked her what she wanted for Mother’s Day last year, she stopped to think. A middle school teacher with two kids living in suburban Chicago, Andrea gives a lot of herself in both her work and life. But instead of asking for a spa day or breakfast in bed, she was struck by how many mothers she knew who had recently spent weeks in the hospital by their children’s bedsides. “We’ve had a lot of friends and relatives who have gone through terrible experiences—premature and sick babies. I’m so lucky, and my heart hurts so much for them,” says Andrea. “It’s Mother’s Day and I don’t want to be going to be brunch while all these amazing moms are at the hospital.” The Perfect Mother’s Day Gift Though she had no previous experience in nonprofit work, Andrea had an idea. For Mother’s Day, she would deliver “care bags” filled with comforting goodies to the moms and others waiting at her local children’s hospital, Advocate Children's Hospital in Park Ridge, Illinois. After speaking with the hospital’s child life specialist, Andrea learned that while many generous volunteers come in often to do arts and crafts and read to the kids, not much is done to provide support or care for the mothers and other caregivers. Andrea reached out to her support team of friends and family, who were eager to help fulfill her plan. She also found that local stores and restaurants were extremely generous in their donations as the care bags began to fill up with comforting items, such as warm, fuzzy blankets, cozy socks, gift cards to restaurants near the hospital and even Live Happy magazines. Delivering Happiness On Mother’s Day 2017, Andrea and her team delivered 200 gift bags to moms and caregivers at Advocate and two other Chicago-area hospitals. “The moms were in awe,” says Andrea. Some were speechless, some started crying. One of the moms didn’t even know it was Mother’s Day!” Andrea firmly believes that we need to care for our moms in order to care for the children. “We have great doctors and nurses who are attentive to those children’s illnesses, but the moms are crucial. If the moms aren’t eating, if the moms are not caring for themselves, everyone loses.” As Andrea organizes this year’s delivery in time for Mother’s Day, the bags’ contents have grown to include donations such as gourmet tea bags and cakes from Nothing Bundt Cake, as well as practical items like dental hygiene kits, Kleenex, hand lotion and lip balm. A grocery delivery service even donated memberships for the parents to use and will deliver to the hospital or home. Andrea hopes to double or triple her output and expand her reach—perhaps even take the Loving Without Limits care bag idea to a national level. What better way to celebrate heroic moms? How to Contribute If you are a Chicago-area retailer interested in donating goods or services, or a resident who would like to volunteer, go to Lovingwithoutlimits.org. Monetary donations can be made on the website via PayPal.
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Coping skills for teens

6 Tools to Help Children and Teens Develop Coping Skills

Imagine your mind uncluttered, happy and free, loving whatever you are doing to the point that you lose track of time, limitations and stressors. Psychologists refer to this frame of mind as flow. Many scientists believe that children operate in a naturally flowing mindset up to about age 5. However, you can regain your mental flow at any age and teach your children to nurture (and keep) theirs! This helps them develop coping skills that will empower them for life, increasing the “ups,” decreasing the “downs” and making joy a part of every day. I have spent much of my career helping people find ways to cope and operate at the top of their games. I’ve found that much of coping has to do with how you manage your mental and physical energy. What you are looking for is balance. You don’t want to be too activated or you’ll feel jumpy; too placid and you won’t have enough oomph to perform and feel your best. Your mind flows when sparked by high-quality energy and personal motivation. The two go hand-in-hand. When they do, you feel “lit.” Encourage Positivity Positive energy attracts positive action. Helping your child grow a happy mind begins with being open to the positive energies in life, and there’s no better way to start than to make yourself a model. Life is full of beauty, love and excitement. We can capture a burst of natural beauty wherever we are and download its good energy. For example, if you and your child are out on a walk or in the middle of any outdoor activity, talk about what environmental details bring you pleasure. Refer to specifics. After, ask him: What do you find exciting? What sights, sounds or scents make you feel good? It’s important for children to see life as good and to be able to identify examples of life’s magnificence and joy around them. They don’t have to be blockbuster examples—a tiny flower, glistening ocean wave or a single, sparkling star on a full-moon night. Our minds love images. They sweeten your thoughts and keep your coping resources charged, even when you’ve been treading in rough waters. Children can learn that uplifting, peaceful and joyful energies are everywhere. All they have to do to shift their attention—open their senses—and feel the energy. Self-Awareness Self refers to who you are, what you feel on the inside. As parents, we can help our children become more aware of who they are and to discover their unique qualities. “I love to dance,” says one 13-year-old who has danced since she was age 2. “When I dance, I dance with my heart. I can’t ever imagine myself not dancing.” Her 11-year-old sister plays the piano. She says, “Playing piano makes me happy,” but adds, “You don’t have to be Shakespeare to love writing, and you don’t have to be Mozart to be happy playing music.” Self-awareness is about being attentive to who you have been in the past, who you are now and who you want to be in the future. Ask your child how their most self-connected activities fit into that sequence. For example, did you enjoy music before playing the piano? How does music affect other things you do? By doing this, you are helping them find intrinsic reward for their actions and not rely on or become co-dependent on someone else’s judgments of what should or shouldn’t feel good to them. You are helping them understand it is possible to sync internal and external world activities that mean a lot to them. The more they do this, the more rewarding their life will feel, the more motivated they will become and the easier it will be to enter and sustain a flowing, happy mind. Tools to Get Started 1. Incorporate a morning activity that launches you into a flowing mindset. Play a tune on your favorite instrument, sing, dance, take a walk in nature. Flow transfers into other activities. 2. Balance your energy before and after daily activities. Pick two songs from your favorite tunes, one that activates you and another that calms. Put them on your phone or other device. Decide what kind of energy you need to feel (activating or calming) for balance in the morning before you leave home, at lunchtime and again when you get home. Then just hit “play.” 3. Organize the night before. You’ll wake up happier you did. Include something nice to look forward to in the morning such as a colorful article of clothing or a fun, new morning activity. 4. Give yourself permission to keep your mind flowing. Lessen daily pressures by telling yourself you can think about non-urgent recurring concerns or conflicts “later.” You can pick the time or day. 5. Get a good night’s sleep. Make it a habit to turn lights off at the same time each night. You need sleep for higher-level thinking and to keep your mind flowing. 6. Each day, think of something nice to do for someone. Plan who you will help, compliment or surprise, then do it!
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Diverse array of colorfully dressed, happy kids.

How to Raise Happy Kids

Ask parents what they want most for their children and they’ll answer the same: happiness. But if we hover and coddle and grant their every wish, they grow up to expect that treatment from the rest of the world and are going to be seriously unhappy when they realize that’s not how things work. And if we exert too much control while instilling traditional discipline and a strong work ethic, says a new British study, we could scar them emotionally for life. So how do we raise happy children? “The science of positive psychology has shown us that happiness comes from experiencing lots of different positive emotions: gratitude, appreciation, optimism and confidence about the future, joy and contentment in the present,” says Christine Carter, Ph.D., author of Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents. “Of course we will all still have negative emotions, and parents should not try to protect their children from those experiences. Time and again, the research demonstrates that what we say and do with children is far more important in their success and happiness than any innate talent or disposition.” Get started today—no matter what age your children are—cultivating the following five character traits that positive psychologists have found happy children share. (Not surprisingly, they’re also found in joyful, fulfilled adults!) 1. Happy kids are connected Today’s parenting culture tends to revolve around achievement—be it in the classroom or on the playing field—and that’s a mistake, say positive psychology experts. Focus instead on really getting to know and enjoy your kids. Knowing they are loved for who they are is fundamental to a happy life. “The most important thing parents can give a child is a life that’s full of positive points of connection—at home, at school, on teams, at church and in your community,” says Dr. Edward (Ned) Hallowell, Harvard psychiatrist and author of The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness. “And those positive connections occur when you enjoy your kids and have fun together. Set up family traditions and celebrations. Use physical touch: Snuggle, kiss, wrestle.” Of course your family life won’t be perfect: “You will get mad and yell; you will be too busy to sit down for dinner together all the time; they will try to get out of doing chores. All of that is good; they’re signs you are connecting!” he notes. “In disconnected families there is no conflict, because no one cares.” Preschoolers: “Kids need to get that you like them,” says teacher and family therapist Susan Stiffelman, author of Parenting with Presence: Practices for Raising Conscious, Confident, Caring Kids. “They need to feel like your heart lights up when you see them. That tells children they have value and infuses them with confidence so that later, when life doesn’t go as they expect, they are still able to cope.” Let the chores wait and read together, play in the backyard, take a nature walk, act silly. Be a kid again yourself when you’re with them. Grade-schoolers: This is the stage when children begin to venture out into the community and form relationships with others, so encouraging friendships should be a big priority, Ned notes. But don’t stop at just setting up play dates. “Kids need to be taught the principles of friendships just like they need to be taught math facts,” he points out. “Explain to your child that he needs to be loyal, which means not trying to get out of an invitation when something better comes along. Show him examples of bullying, bragging or embarrassing someone and point out why they’re wrong. And always encourage your child to include peers who are being left out.” Another excellent decision if you can swing it, Ned says, is to get a pet. Pets not only teach children responsibility, but they provide more opportunity to practice give-and-take relationship skills, reinforce the power of unconditional love and will help the whole family relax and have fun together. Teenagers: “Interactions with teens can quickly devolve into ‘Do this’ and 'Haven't you finished that yet?' and Where’s that permission slip you were supposed to bring home?’” Susan notes. “You get so little time with teens that you don’t want all your interactions to be about getting them to do something. But they’re also not inclined to sit down and play Monopoly with you for two hours.” Instead, Susan recommends ignoring your to-do list and when your teen walks into the room, try to conjure up that baby you couldn’t take your eyes off—even though he may be in serious need of a shower—and pay him a compliment or tell him a joke. “You want to shift the ratio so that you have more positive interactions and fewer demanding ones,” she says. “It can just be a short 30-second exchange, but if it results in a smile, it’s a deposit into the emotional bank account. Your teen will feel uplifted and you’ll have demonstrated you care without forcing it.” 2. Happy kids are playful “There’s so much pressure to sign kids up for loads of activities today, but not enough free time negatively impacts a child’s happiness in two ways,” explains Katie Hurley, Los Angeles author of The Happy Kid Handbook: How to Raise Joyful Children in a Stressful World. First, if kids are constantly doing structured activities, they are not spending time with you. Different children can handle different degrees of busyness, but a good rule of thumb is one sport, and maybe one other activity per season. Secondly, overscheduled kids don’t get time to just play, which provides a wealth of benefits that contributes to happiness: Play develops imagination and creativity, builds social skills and teaches problem-solving, to name just a few. Play is also a critical way to discover what you’re good at, Ned says, and that leads children to want to practice and master that skill, whether it’s riding a bike, shooting a basketball, painting or learning to cook. Preschoolers: Go retro when it comes to toys. Sure, a smart phone or tablet app comes in handy from time to time, but to really foster creativity and build imagination, young kids need simple wooden blocks, sidewalk chalk, dolls and balls, Katie says. In short, you don’t want too many toys that are passive or that do the thinking for your child. Also, never underestimate the power of the recycling bin. Every craft project need not come from a prepackaged kit. Grade-schoolers: Sports are terrific arenas for play now, and that goes beyond just signing them up for an official team, Ned notes. Encourage your kids to have friends over to play soccer in the backyard. Organize a flag football tournament or basketball game at family gatherings. “And when your child does play on a team, don’t turn it into a pressure-packed, hypercompetitive drama. Emphasize the fun aspects, not the win-loss record,” Ned says. Teenagers: Finding the high-school equivalent of playing in the sandbox is challenging to say the least, but adolescents need those creative outlets more than ever. Point them toward groups like makerspace.com, an online community where they can create, invent and learn about things they’re interested in with peers. Encourage writing a short story or taking up photography. Got a musician? Invest in some noise-canceling headphones (for yourself!) and allow her to have friends over for jam sessions. At this age, play takes a more productive turn but is nonetheless creative. 3. Happy kids are…confident Few feelings in life are as thrilling as that moment when a child realizes, “I can do it!” The sense of security that comes with deep connections, along with the skills your child builds through play, leads to the confidence to try new things. And con! dent children are optimistic children. “When problems arise, as they do for all of us, the confident, optimistic child tackles them with the certainty that they are solvable and continues to try again, rather than give up,” Ned explains. Christine seconds that: “Optimism is so closely related to happiness that the two can practically be equated,” she notes, “and a key to helping your child stay optimistic is teaching a growth mindset. Growth mindset people believe that success is a result of effort, not inborn talents.” Preschoolers: Start early on to use praise to cultivate a positive mindset. Be sure you're praising specific hard work and good deeds rather than the child. So instead of “Great job!” or “You’re so smart!” say, “That was really nice of you to let Jack use the swings first," or "You worked really hard on that puzzle and you didn't give up until you figured it out.” Avoid pessimistic reactions to your child’s behavior as well. Say one sibling hits another. Instead of “That’s mean, Emma. You’re not going to have any friends at preschool if you act that way,” respond with a way to help. Try “You’re having a hard time, Emma. I bet you’re hungry. Say you’re sorry and let’s get something to eat so you feel better.” This way, Emma sees that even though she is experiencing the negative feelings, they are temporary and she has the power to fix them, Christine says. Grade-schoolers: As your child matures, you want to create as many opportunities for him to succeed as you can, but also be careful to not cross the line to expecting perfection. You don’t have to get a gold medal in a sport to enjoy it. Nor do you have to receive the highest score on the test to know the subject matter thoroughly. “People incorrectly believe that perfectionism will propel kids to the top of their class, their teams, and ultimately their careers,” Christine notes. “Instead, perfectionism creates a constant state of discontent and fear of making mistakes.” Avoid this scenario by not doing too much for your child: If you constantly correct his math homework or rewrite his essays, he’ll begin to believe he’s not capable of doing it on his own. If you repeatedly deliver that forgotten lunch or homework, he’ll have no reason to try to remember it. And when you do need to deliver criticism, try to make it positive and productive: Instead of “I told you to put your science folder in your backpack last night,” say, “You remembered your homework Monday. What did you do then that you didn’t do today?” Teenagers: Confidence is essential to your teen’s ability to make safe, informed decisions, and it grows as he or she learns to cope when life throws curve balls. It’s hard to do, but the bigger they get, the more we need to let them fail a bit, then bounce back on their own, Christine says. “Happy kids can risk making mistakes because they know how to correct them and they take steps on their own to do so.” Instead of jumping in and fixing things, help your child make a plan to reach his goal. When your teen gets cut from a high school sports team, for example, acknowledge the disappointment and praise the effort he put in: “I know you probably feel sad and frustrated. You worked really hard on your basketball shooting skills.” But also encourage him to think positively about ways to succeed: “What do you think you could do to increase your chances of making the team next time?” Read more: Overparenting Anonymous by Dr. Wendy Mogel 4. Happy kids are…grateful Of course you’ve been teaching your children to say “Please” and “Thank you” since they began to talk. Now a bevy of research connects a deeper understanding and attitude of gratitude with true happiness and life satisfaction. Preschoolers: One of the first things you want to do with your children is make a habit of expressing thankfulness for the family’s blessings. Researcher Giacomo Bono, Ph.D., co-author of Making Grateful Kids: The Science of Building Character, has found that children who say grace at mealtime have developed more gratitude than their peers. Get into the habit of saying the traditional prayers of your faith with your children at dinner and bedtime, but also use these moments to express thanks for people in their lives, he recommends. Giacomo also advises parents to emphasize the nuances of gratitude to young children. Point out how, for example, a gift is going to improve a child’s life: “Those finger paints Aunt Sara gave you are going to be a lot of fun. Let’s invite some friends over to play with them.” Then explain that the benefactor made a choice to do something good and went out of her way to do it for you: “It was really kind of Aunt Sara to make a special trip to the toy store and spend her money on you.” Also make it a habit to encourage your child to do nice things for others: “I put an extra snack in your backpack. Why don’t you share it with one of your friends at school today?” Grade-schoolers: As kids mature a bit more, they can better appreciate the intentions and motivations of the benefactor, so point those out, too. Say, for instance, “It was really nice of your violin instructor to recommend you for that orchestra. She really loves playing and wants you to feel the same passion for it.” Children this age are also becoming more aware of other people and the world around them, so when they bring up, say homelessness, take advantage of the opportunity, Giacomo says. A school-age child can volunteer at a soup kitchen with you, or accompany you when you do something to help an elderly neighbor. You’re modeling generosity, and your child gets to observe the gratitude that someone feels from it—as well as realize how much he himself has to be grateful for. Teenagers: Adolescents are ready to discover their meaning and passion in life, and practicing gratitude will help them do that, Giacomo notes. Tap into their interests by giving them ideas on how to use technology to express gratitude. Instead of writing a thank-you note, teens can make a thank-you video. They can create a slideshow of things they’re grateful for on their phones or make a Pinterest board. Also encourage your child to share his skills in the community. A varsity athlete might volunteer to coach younger kids in his sport; a teen with an interest in photography could share her skill with a group of seniors. 5. Happy kids are positive thinkers Teaching kids to have a glass-half-full attitude when something negative occurs in their lives is essential to their happiness, and building all the other skills we’ve discussed so far puts them on this positive track. “Understanding what triggers all types of feelings helps children work through the negative so they get to a positive viewpoint,” Katie notes. To make this happen, parents need to be “emotion coaches,” Christine emphasizes. According to research, children—and adults—who can manage their emotions experience negative feelings for shorter periods of time. Preschoolers: The first step with little ones is label, label, label, beyond happy and sad. Katie recommends describing your child’s emotions as well as his behavior back to him: “You just kicked the tower over. You must be frustrated.” Then replace the negative thought with a positive one: “I bet you can get the tower to keep standing. What do you think would have worked better?” Grade-schoolers: We tend to think of small children as the ones who have temper tantrums, but bigger kids can have massive meltdowns over homework, sports and friendships. The single best thing you can do, say Giacomo and Katie, is to model calmness. “A calm response shows your child that the problem is solvable so he can move to a positive approach,” Giacomo emphasizes. Instead of “I can’t do this,” stepping back and taking a deep breath allows them to get to “OK, I can fix this.” “I tell kids to pretend they are blowing up a balloon very slowly. It calms their senses and slows their heart rate,” Katie explains. “It’s a skill they can use at any time.” Teenagers: Being an adolescent today is seriously stressful, and even kids who have had it together so far can buckle under the pressures of popularity (or lack thereof) and academics. “One of the main functions of adolescence is to learn to cope with really big emotions, but you also don’t want your coaching to feel condescending,” Christine notes. “A smart way to keep things positive now is to frequently narrate your own emotions for your teen, but also follow that with a positive.” Say, for instance, “Standing in this checkout line is really aggravating, but we’ll have all the groceries we’ll need and won’t have to waste time coming back to the store for a few days.” Or, “Boy, am I nervous about this presentation tomorrow, but when we get the business I’ll get a nice bonus and we can take a special vacation this summer.” As Christine says, you want to teach them to “fake it until you make it.” The science of positive psychology has shown us that forcing yourself to smile when you don’t always feel like it creates a physiological reaction that produces feel-good brain chemicals. And when children learn how to induce their own positive emotions, happiness wins. Listen to our podcast: Raising Confident and Creative Kids, with Heather Shumaker Stephanie Wood is a freelance writer and editor based in the New York City area.
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Kids learning at school

5 Tips to Help Kids Become Happier Students

The dawn of a new school year canbe stressful for students and,inevitably, for parents as well! The charter school KIPP, which focuses on student achievement and empowerment, offers these tips for parents, as we help our kids navigate the social and academic difficulties of school. Giving kids the toolsthey need to be resilient when adversity strikes can ensure their success in theclassroom, as well as later in life. Dallas-Fort Worth’s KnowledgeIs Power Program (KIPP) shares fiveof the most common issues studentsface—and how you can prepare themfor the challenges that lie ahead: 1. Managing stress in a healthy way Everyone faces stress, andyour kids will, too. Establish schedulesand routines, and then stick to them.Consistency and predictability willhelp control the environment and easestress levels for the whole family. 2. Building and maintaining self-confidence Identify students’strengths to boost their confidence.Find out why they excel in one subject,and then apply that reason to areaswhere they may be struggling. 3. Handling rejection—and moving forward As much as wehate to think about our children beingrejected, at some point, it’s bound tohappen. Create leadership roles athome, giving them the opportunityto learn how to handle failure in asafe place. 4. Being respectful Be theexample for your children. Modelingpositive behavior shows them theproper way to treat and respect people. 5. Interacting with friends and adults, online and in person Set clear boundaries onwhom they should and should not be contacting, especially through socialmedia. Teach students to be responsiblefor their actions.
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Post-its

10 Quick Fixes Every Parent Should Know

Life as a a parent is complicated. There is no one quick fixes that can completely solve the jigsaw puzzle of our responsibilities. But sometimes a small, simple solution to a tiny-but-nagging problem—a hack, a workaround—is exactly what we need. Eliminating the lost-keys-what’s-for-dinner-tonight-level annoyances opens up time and mental space for the Important Stuff: rest, exercise, productive work, and joyful time spent with family and friends. These 10 tips will save you a few precious minutes (and perhaps a few dollars) each week. If you devote this “found” time and money to what’s most important to you, your happiness is bound to increase. 1. Come up with three dinners that use pantry ingredients You probably already have a few simple go-to dishes that are satisfying, nourishing and easy to prepare. Alter the recipes (if necessary) so you can make three family favorites using onlyingredients that you already have in the pantry and freezer. Swap fresh vegetables for frozen, even if that’s not your usual practice (peas and edamame in particular are good frozen). Store shredded cheese in the freezer so it’s always ready to go. Once you know what your favorite pantry meals are—this is key—religiously keep these ingredients stocked in your home. There, now you’ll always have something for dinner. Bonus hack: Double the recipe for stews and casseroles, and store the extra meal in the freezer. 2. Use over-the-door clear pocket shoe holders everywhere Shoe organizers can organize so much more than shoes! In the bathroom, store styling products, hair clips, sunscreen, and bandages. In kids’ rooms, organize small toy and stuffed animal collections. In the laundry room, hold clothespins, stain sticks, and orphan socks. In the office, store small electronics with their associated chargers and cables. 3. Hang a whiteboard in the kitchen so everyone can add to the grocery list. Whoever is going shopping, take a phone picture of the board! This way you have shared responsibility for the list. No data entry in spreadsheets or fussy grocery list apps; no lost or forgotten slip of paper. Genius. 4. Attach a carabiner clip to your keychain, and clip your keys to your purse strap. You’ll never lose your keys again. With your keys visible, you’re also less likely to lock them in the car. 5. Flatten toilet paper rolls to slow down the spin. Your kids will use less toilet paper, and the roll is less likely to unravel onto the floor. 6. Take digital pictures of your kid’s favorite art projects, then repurpose the originals. This hack lets you save the best of your kid’s art, share its beauty and declutter at the same time. Take digital photos of your kids’ best and/or favorite art projects. Then transform the originals into wrapping paper, gift labels, birthday cards and gifts. (Especially popular with grandparents and teachers.) If you’re ambitious, collect the photos in a photobook and give that as a gift, or keep it as a memento for yourself and the artists themselves. 7. Keep a kitchen timer in every room in your house. Of all the gadgets floating around my home, the most useful has been the basic wind-up kitchen timer. The timer speeds shared cleanup time (we see how much we can get done before it rings). The timer also stands in as a neutral third party that announces screen time limits, turn-taking reminders, shower ending times, homework breaks and cool-down periods after arguments. It’s like having a trusty lieutenant. Bonus hack: While traveling or running errands, use the timer on your mobile phone to set time limits in stores. 8. Use a password management app to store more than passwords. I use 1Password to securely store passwords, account numbers, credit card numbers and my kids’ Social Security numbers. Not only is the information secure, it’s also automatically synced between my computer and mobile device. Having this information on hand simplifies filling out forms in banks and other official places. I can more easily conduct business using my mobile phone, and I can log into a website from a computer that’s not mine. (I’m careful never to let public browsers auto-save my passwords.) 9. Keep your toddler from rolling out of bed with a rolled towel Great hack for when your child is ready to move from a crib into a “big kid” bed: place a rolled towel under the fitted sheet along the edge of the bed. 10. Fold sheet sets and store them inside one of the pillowcases. This tip will save you laundry folding and organizing hassle and will de-clutter your linen closet—especially if you have beds of different sizes. Plus, you’ll never scramble for clean guest sheets again. (I can’t be the only one who does this, right?)
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Teenager brooding

Teen Angst or Teen Anguish?

My friend Lydia recently asked if I could recommend a therapist for her 14-year-old daughter, Helen, who’d left a note for her mom that read, “I’m really sad. I think I need to talk to somebody.” Lydia came to me for advice because she knew that my own daughter (a pal of her child’s since nursery school) was recovering from an eating disorder, and that over the past year we’d tried several treatment approaches before finding one that worked. She figured I’d have some insight about child-focused therapists in our area, which I did and was happy to pass along. Lydia was concerned, but not panicked, about Helen’s down-tick in mood. “We’d just had a bad family holiday,” she told me, “and many of her friends are dealing with all sorts of mental and emotional problems; one girl has so much anxiety she’s being home-schooled. I think Helen’s worried she might have a problem too, or at least thinks she couldhave. At one point she told me, ‘I feel bad when I’m happy because all my friends are sad.’ ” The age of anxiety—and more It’s not surprising that Helen was encountering so much emotional mayhem among her friends. Adolescence can be a period of physical and emotional hell. And for many kids, the challenges run deeper than acne breakouts and romantic breakups. According to a landmark study supported by the National Institute of Mental Health, half of all lifetime cases of mental illness start at age 14. What’s more, the research found, mental disorders among teens and young adults often go undiagnosed for 10 years or more, which can be devastating: The longer a mental illness is untreated, the worse it can become and the more likely it is that a co-occurring disorder will develop. But teen behavior can be deceptive. It’s often tough to tell the difference between age-appropriate ennui and a true psychiatric disorder. “As teens gain independence, they’re more likely to share what they’re going through with peers than with parents,” says Darcy Gruttadaro, director of the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Child & Adolescent Action Center. “And parents can easily write off mood shifts as due to social or academic pressure or hormones.” It’s important to note that “one of the most powerful myths surrounding adolescence is that raging hormones cause teenagers to ‘go mad’ or ‘lose their minds.’ That’s simply false,” writes Daniel J. Siegel. M.D., in Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain. “Hormones do increase during this period, but it is not the hormones that determine what goes on in adolescence. We now know that what adolescents experience is primarily the result of changes in the development in the brain.” Judy Moody and the eating disorder I can relate. I had no idea my child was in trouble until three of her friends reported to the guidance counselor that she never ate lunch, she seemed really unhappy and they were worried about her. Sure, I’d noticed she was slimming down, but I chalked it up to the fact that she was also growing taller. Likewise I mistook her tendency to hole up in her bedroom to be a typical teen’s preference for keeping to herself. And her listless, gloomy, Eeyore-ness seemed perfectly normal: Aren’t all teenage girls moody? Even after speaking to the guidance counselor I couldn’t quite believe my daughter was ill. But when I took her to the pediatrician, the extent of the problem was right there on her growth chart: Since birth her weight had increased perfectly in step with her height, but this time, when the doctor plotted the two measurements, the line connecting her weight from the year before to her current one plummeted sharply down and away from the height line. This, plus other symptoms, confirmed that she was anorexic. It turned out that she was also depressed. Why so sad? “Teens can be genetically predisposed to mood disorders, which certain circumstances can activate,” says Phoebe Farber, Ph.D., a psychologist in private practice in Montclair, N.J., who sees a lot of kids and teenagers. (This was likely the case for my daughter. My father was bipolar, and I’ve struggled with depression, too.) Even when there’s no family history of mental illness, adolescence is rife with factors that put teens at special risk for all shades of the blues, from garden-variety glumness to downright depression. A big one is the “struggle to become independent and autonomous, and the desire for freedom and experimentation while still having to abide by parents’ rules,” says Phoebe. “This clash of expectations is like planets colliding and has always been a huge source of angst for teens.” Other common triggers for teen torpor are personality traits like shyness that make it tough to navigate relationships, school pressure and sexual identity issues. A 2008 survey by the Human Rights Campaign of 10,000 lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) kids ages 13 to 17 revealed that while 67 percent of straight teens consider themselves happy, only 37 percent of LGBT teens do. “Among the overriding feelings many teens have across these spheres are alienation and isolation, the belief that ‘no one understands me and there’s no one I can talk to,’ ” says Phoebe. On the other hand, teenagers are greatly influenced by their peers, and even fundamentally happy and healthy kids may feel the pull of peer pressure while evaluating how they compare to and fit in with their friends, as Helen did. Luckily, after three therapy sessions, she realized she was OK and told her mom she didn’t need to continue; the therapist agreed. But other kids can take copycat behavior much further. My daughter told me, “I see it all the time—people who most likely don’t have a real issue but who see eating disorders and self-harm and other mental illness as tragically beautiful and mysterious.” She said one friend drew lines on her arm with a red lip liner to make it look like she’d been cutting herself. Adds Phoebe: “The power of the group is strong; the gravitational force is toward belonging, not separating.” Depressed, or just down in the dumps? Given how complicated it can be to decipher a teenager’s moodiness, it’s important for parents to watch out for the hallmarks of depression, which can be very different for a kid than for an adult.According to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, if a teenager develops one or more of these symptoms, it’s time to seek help: · Frequent sadness, tearfulness, crying · Decreased interest in activities or inability to enjoy previously favorite activities · Hopelessness · Persistent boredom; low energy · Social isolation, poor communication · Low self-esteem and guilt · Extreme sensitivity to rejection or failure · Increased irritability, anger or hostility · Difficulty with relationships · Frequent complaints of physical illnesses such as headaches and stomachaches · Frequent absences from school or poor performance in school · Poor concentration · A major change in eating and/or sleeping patterns · Talk of or efforts to run away from home · Thoughts or expressions of suicide or self-destructive behavior “If you see your child behaving in a way that’s different than usual, it’s a red flag,” adds Phoebe. “Be aware of a pattern of changes in behavior or appearance over a period of time, not just a bad day or an isolated bad mood.” Ease into the discussion And then what do you do? “Tread lightly,” says Phoebe. “Don’t try to find out what’s going on during the heat of an argument. Bring up your concerns when you’re both calm and feeling connected. Even then, don’t be too direct; say something like, ‘I’ve noticed you’re spending a lot of time in your room.’ Then see what you get. Above all, don’t switch into lecture mode; this is something my adolescent clients complain about all the time.” Awareness is also important. “We give kids tools for how to say no to alcohol and drugs; we teach them about STDs and smoking and the dangers of texting while driving. But we don’t talk about mental illness, even though of the more than 4,000 teens we lose to suicide each year, 90 percent have a diagnosable and treatable disorder,” says Darcy. She believes the message should come from all directions, that parents should be talking about mental illness at home, primary care doctors should be bringing it up during checkups and schools should be offering educational programs like NAMI’s Ending the Silence (50-minute presentations to high school students by folks who’ve experienced mental illness). A strong foundation Above all, build a strong bond with your child before she dives into the murkiness of adolescence, adds Phoebe. Show her that you’re listening and not always talking at her. Curb the criticism; don’t be judgmental. Developing rituals often helps. “My daughter loves Grey’s Anatomy, so I watch it with her,” says Phoebe. Now that my own child is healing from her eating disorder and receptive to spending time with me, we poke around in vintage clothing stores together. I like combing through racks of old clothes in search of wearable treasure, but even if I didn’t, it would be worth it just to spend the time with my daughter. If you know a teenager who is suffering or needs help, here is a list of resources: Teen Lineis a 24-hour hotline staffed by other teens. Teen Health and Wellness is a hotline as well as online resource. Teen Mental Health lists more than a dozen useful resources for parents and teens.
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Max dressed as a fireman

Love Him to the Max

It's 7:15 on a Saturday morning and my son, Max, is sitting in bed with me, watching Disney Junior and snorting. (He has allergies.) "Ih-hoo NOW!" he says. (Translation: "Tissue now!") I'm not psyched to roll out of bed and grab a tissue. And yet I smile, because I'm impressed: Embedded in his request are a whole lot of wonders. Max is communicating, trying his best to articulate words. He is expressing a need. He understands the immediacy. Then he blows his nose. "Good job!" I say, and I mean it; until a few years ago, he didn't get how to do that.Booger controlBooger control isn't something that typically gets parents excited. "Able to expel snot" isn't a milestone you'll find listed on any child development website or in those What to Expect books. Yet as the mom of a child with cerebral palsy and intellectual disability, for me this is an exciting moment. I relish them all—even the seemingly icky ones.Max had a stroke at birth (yes, babies can have strokes) that resulted in brain damage. Doctors didn't give my husband and me much hope; they said Max might never walk or talk, and that he could have significant cognitive impairment. Max was in the NICU for two weeks, and the months that followed were the grimmest ones of my life. Why had this happened to my baby? I didn't want to talk with friends. I wept a lot.Go Max, Go!But Max, well, he didn't know from despair. He smiled at 2 months old, right on time; kept up the good cheer; and generally tried the best he could. We got him a ton of therapy to help with movement and speech; cerebral palsy messes with your muscles, making even activities like chewing or waving a challenge. Every single bit of progress was cause for celebration: Max grasped a block! Max made a babbling sound! Max stood while holding onto the sofa!One night, my husband and I took Max out to dinner when he was about 18 months old. We placed the car seat on the table so we could speak with him; the speech therapists told us to talk with him as much as possible. I gave him a roll to hold onto. A couple minutes later, Max flung it onto another table. "YEAH!!!" I exclaimed, thrilled that he had maneuvered his arm like that. The couple at the adjoining table glared at me, most likely thinking I was the rudest mom in the universe. How could I explain?A different set of milestonesBy the time Max was 2 years old, he was commando-crawling around the house like an army solider. His arms weren't strong enough to hold him up, but he was determined to move his body however he could. At 3 years old, he toddled across his room and into my arms.Hitting a milestone like walking seemed miraculous, yet Max's smaller achievements also put me on a high. Not only were they reassuring, they kept me grounded. Of course, I wanted Max to do the major stuff typically developing kids did: to speak words, ride a bike, read. Yet hoping too hard and too much only left me anxious; taking heart in the mini-milestones helped my spirits progress.Managing expectationsOne of the toughest parts of being a mom of a kid with special needs is letting go of your fantasies about what life as a parent was supposed to be like and finding your new happy. The passage of time helps, as does the realization that being a mopey mess does your kid no good. For me, blogging has become an amazing outlet to express concerns and inspire other moms. The occasional cathartic cry in the shower also comes in handy.Max is 11 now, and as good-humored as ever (every therapist, doctor and specialist who meets him falls under his spell). He walks really well, and rides an adaptive tricycle like a speed demon. He has challenges using his hands, but does the best he can. He talks in his own way, and although I know what he's saying, it's hard for others to decipher. So he has a speech app on his iPad that he uses to speak words for him, and he's downright masterful at navigating it. He's bright—he has started reading and does basic math. He is on his own timeline, and I am in no rush.Max's favorite song is "Happy" by Pharrell Williams. When he hears it, his face lights up, and he literally does a happy dance. It is impossible not to get a lift when he does it. Yes, it's über-cute, but this is also what I see: Max is moving his feet in rhythm to the beat! Max is raising both arms in the air! Max is singing along!As always, there is so, so much to be happy about.
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Teenager rolling her eyes, parents in background

Overparenting Anonymous

I’ve written these steps to provide encouragement to well-intentioned, devoted, loving, intelligent parents who feel powerless to stop themselves from overindulging, overprotecting, and overscheduling their children. Parents who get jittery if their offspring aren’t performing at a high level in every area. And parents who have unwittingly allowed traits like self-reliance, resilience, accountability and a spirit of adventure to slip to the bottom of their parenting priority list.1. Don’t confuse a snapshot taken today with the epic movie of your child’s life.Kids go through phases. Glorious ones and alarming ones.2. Don’t fret over or try to fix what’s not broken.Accept your child’s nature even if he’s shy, stubborn, moody, or not great at math.3. Look at anything up close and you’ll see the flaws.Consider it perfectly normal if you like your child’s friends better than you like your child.4. Work up the courage to say a simple “no.”Don’t try to reach consensus every time.5. Encourage your child to play or spend time outside using all five senses in the three-dimensional world.How come only troubled rich kids get to go to the wilderness these days? Send your kids to camp for the longest stretch of time you can afford. Enjoy nature together as a family.6. Don’t mistake children’s wants with their needs.Don’t fall for a smooth talker’s line about the urgent need for a cell phone “in case of an emergency, Mom!” or a new car “because it’s so much safer than your old van.” Privileges are not entitlements.7. Remember that kids are hardy perennials, not hothouse flowers.Let them be cold, wet, or hungry for more than a second and they’ll appreciate the chance to be warm, dry, and fed.8. Abstain from taking the role of Sherpa, butler, crabby concierge, secret police, short order cook, or lady’s maid. Your child is hard-wired for competence. Let them do things for themselves.9. Before you nag, remind, criticize, advise, chime in, preach, or over-explain, say to yourself “W.A.I.T.” or “Why am I talking?”Listen four times more than you talk.10.Remember that disappointments are necessary preparation for adult life.When your child doesn’t get invited to a friend’s birthday party, make the team, or get a big part in the play, stay calm. Without these experiences she’ll be ill-equipped for the real world.11.Be alert but not automatically alarmed.Question yourself. Stop and reflect: Is this situation unsafe or just uncomfortable for my child? Is it an emergency or a new challenge?12.Learn to love the words “trial” and “error.”Let your child make mistakes before going off to college. Grant freedom based on demonstrated responsibility and accountability, not what all the other kids are doing.13.Don’t be surprised or discouraged when your big kid has a babyish tantrum or meltdown.Don’t confuse sophistication with maturity. Setbacks naturally set them back. They set us back too, but we can have a margarita.14.Allow your child to do things that scare you.Don’t mistake vulnerability for fragility. If you want her to grow increasingly independent and self-confident, let her get her learner’s permit when she comes of age; don’t offer a nuanced critique of her best friend or crush.15.Don’t take it personally if your teenager treats you badly.Judge his character not on the consistency of in-house politeness, clarity of speech, or degree of eye contact but on what teachers say, whether he’s welcomed by his friends’ parents, and his manners towards his grandparents, the neighbors, salespeople and servers in restaurants.16.Don’t automatically allow your child to quit.When she lobbies passionately against continuing an activity or program that “isn’t how I thought it would be!” it’s tempting to exhaust yourself selling him on the benefits. Instead remind yourself that first impressions are not always enduring; that a commitment to a team or group is honorable; and that your investment (of time and/or money) is not to be taken for granted. But do take her reasoned preferences into account when making future plans.17.Refrain from trying to be popular with your children just because your parents weren’t as attuned to your emotional needs as you might have wished.Watch out for the common parental pattern ofnice, nice, nice…furious!18.Avoid the humblebrag parent lest you begin to believe that your child is already losing the race.Remind yourself that kids’ grades, popularity or varsity ranking are not a measure of your worth as a parent (nor theirs as people). Recognize that those other parents are lying.19.Wait at least 24 hours before shooting off an indignant email to a teacher, coach, or the parent of a mean classmate. Don’t be a “drunk texter.”Sleep on it.20.Consider the long-term consequences of finding workarounds for the “no-candy-in-camp-care-packages” rule.If you demonstrate that rules are made to be broken and shortcuts can always be found, you have given your child license to plagiarize or cheat on tests.21.Maintain perspective about school and college choices. Parents caught up in the admissions arms race forget that the qualities of the student rather than the perceived status of the school are the best predictor of a good outcome.22.Treat teachers like the experts and allies they are.Give your child the chance to learn respect. It’s as important a lesson as Algebra 2. Remember how life-changing a good relationship with a teacher can be.23.Praise the process and not the product.Appreciating your child’s persistence and hard work reinforces the skills and habits that lead to success far more than applauding everyday achievements or grades.24.If you want your child to be prepared to manage his future college workload and responsibilities, take care before you hire a tutor, a private coach, or college application consultant.There’s no room for all of them in a dorm room.25.Rather than lurking, snooping, sniping or giving up, practice sensible stewardship of your child’s online activities.Evaluate her level of self-respect and good judgment in other areas.26.Treat ordinary household chores and paid jobs as more important learning opportunities than jazzy extracurriculars. With real-world experience, your child will develop into an employable (and employed) adult. That said, accept that older children will get chores done on AST (Adolescent Standard Time).
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Girl reaching for tree

The Happiest Child Ever?

As positive psychology researchers, recently married and now pregnant with a baby due in February, the biggest reaction we have gotten has been, “That is going to be the happiest baby ever!” No pressure. As first-time parents, we have so much to learn. What works well in a psychology lab might not work well for a 2-month-old colicky baby who at 2 a.m. seems completely unaware of all the research on the importance of sleep. As we go through this learning process, we wanted to share our thoughts and hear yours, as well. We are encouraged by the fact that change is always possible at any point in our lives. Research from the University of Pennsylvania and the University of California, Riverside, shows that while children are born hard-wired with a happiness genetic set point, that is only the starting point. Choices we make and they (eventually) make can help them rise above their genes and their environment. And the great news is that even when we mess up, we can course-correct. Happiness Hygiene Parents teach their kids to brush their teeth in order to make it a habit. And it eventually works; most adults keep up that habit. Aside from that, can you think of another habit we keep through adulthood? Why do we stop there? Equally important to children’s health is their mindset. In order to encourage a grateful mindset, we want to express three new things we are thankful for every night at dinner. In addition, we would like to encourage exercise and two minutes of meditation for the entire family. We realize meditation might sound a bit unusual for a small child, but we’ve recently seen how schools using morning breathing exercises have created calmer classrooms. Learning to quiet our minds early on in life by watching our breath go in and out is a skill that later on improves accuracy at tasks, and rewires the brain for greater creativity, intelligence and energy. The tricky part will be making this an expected part of life, like brushing teeth. Have you parents out there had success with this for a child younger than 5. Normalize Nutrition If food is fuel for our bodies, nutrition is fuel for our brains. Even just one cup of blueberries in the morning can drastically improve a young student’s brain function in the classroom. As researchers, we know that education is extremely important—but our interest in a nutrient rich diet for our son has less to do with ideas about his eventual academic performance and more to do with his overall well being. There is evidence that suggests a higher intake of fruits and vegetables can increase happiness and overall life satisfaction. We hope that by treating nutrient rich foods as treats instead of a concession or chore, our son will grow up eager to share in these options. Let’s be clear: we don’t want him seeing us obsess over our bodies or weight, as this can be very damaging for a child’s self image and lifelong relationship to food. Instead, we want him to see the joy to be had with healthy food—thanks to its taste and cumulative psychological benefits. We’ve been working to better understand the neurological and practical benefits of food ourselves so we can eventually share this knowledge to our son. Healthy foods protect our bodies against disease, naturally brighten our smiles and help us maintain a sharp memory. By introducing these foods as early and enthusiastically as possible, we hope to give our son a lifelong appreciation for nutrition that will help him lead a happy life far beyond his childhood. Noise Canceling If our baby were being born just 100 years ago, this would not be such a top priority; but these days, babies are coming into the human history. Technology is always at their fingertips. We have received text messages, albeit incoherent ones, from 2-year-olds. In Shawn’s newest book, Before Happiness, we look at how the brain can only process 40 bits of information out of the 11 million it receives per second. Our brains are bombarded, we are all developing cultural ADHD and the research shows us that we do not learn as well with that continuous external stimulation. That’s why we will try noise canceling in our home. We will install a white-noise machine in the nursery and not have TV and news blaring in the house, and we plan to model taking 5 percent of each week away from phones, TV and computers. Our hope is that this break from technology and information can help our brains (and our baby’s) find the “signal” more easily, which is the information that helps lead to growth and happiness. Solid Us, Solid Baby Babies need love and support from the moment they arrive, and their brains are wired from birth to seek out a sense of security from the caregivers in their lives. According to neuroscientist and author of Brain Rules John Medina, babies’ brains develop differently if they don’t feel security from the get-go. They are more oriented toward threats and less attached to other people. Beyond the basic duties of feeding, bathing and clothing our little guy, we also hope to communicate love and safety in one very specific way: being verbally supportive in front of our child of each other’s positive contributions to our marriage and peaceful home. We already do this now to some degree, but we recently decided to be more conscious about “calling each other out” when either of us does or says something positive and loving. It’s the little things that we want to acknowledge, like putting the dishes in the dishwasher (which is admittedly not a little thing) or making food for the other one while he or she is working. Each time we thank one another, we strengthen our relationship. And since children not only pick up their parents’ habits, but also derive their sense of security from what they see, we think being highly expressive in a positive way will communicate security and be a win-win all around. Have you used these strategies with your kids? What has been your parenting secret to raising happy kids? Comment below.
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