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Making Motivation Work

Every year we resolve (yet again!) to exercise, lose weight, or find a new, more lucrative or satisfying job. This time we are sure to succeed, we tell ourselves. Despite good intentions, however, we often lose motivation and end up right where we started—or perhaps even further behind, as we have disappointed ourselves by dropping our goals. We wonder what went wrong. Barry Schwartz, professor of psychology at Swarthmore College and a leading researcher in the science of human behavior and decision-making, suggests that rather than a lack of motivation, it may be flawed thinking that is getting in the way of our success. The paralysis of choice In his latest book, Why We Work, the best-selling author dispels common behavioral myths and once again emphasizes that often “less is more.” The more choices we are confronted with in life the less effective we are at making them, Barry says. We often become stressed and suffer subsequent “paralysis from analysis.” In one of Barry’s studies, customers who were offered a choice of six varieties of jam purchased a jar more often than those offered a choice of 24 types, leading him to determine that, when it comes to choice, the less we have, the more motivated we are to take action. We also feel better about our decision because we don’t feel like we are missing out on the thing we didn’t choose, Barry says. Less is more Less is more when it comes to our motives, as well. Contrary to popular belief, having two reasons or motives for doing something isn’t necessarily better than one. In fact, Barry says, “two reasons may be worse than one” and can kill the natural joy we feel in doing a certain activity and decrease our chances for success. This finding was a revelation to me. As a child, I had a strong affinity for gymnastics. I performed cartwheels and back handsprings non-stop because it brought me sheer joy! However, that changed after I joined a competitive team. My focus turned to potential medals. Practice suddenly seemed arduous and I lost interest in my beloved hobby. Where’s the joy? What happened? According to Barry, the competitive goal of winning a medal turned my hobby into a chore. Having the additional motive (medals) canceled out my internal motivation, which was joy. “Paying people or giving them awards for activities they would do on their own weakens these internal motives, and the pay doesn’t compensate,” says Barry. He explains that “little kids who get awards for drawing become less interested in drawing, and draw worse pictures, than kids who don’t.” So how can we apply these findings to our own goals? Focus on one thing at a time. Forgo trying to tackle a huge list of goals or changes. Instead, focus on just one (or two) and give it your full attention. You’ll feel better knowing you succeeded with your chosen goal(s), rather than dwelling on those you didn’t accomplish. Find your motive. Ask yourself what is your main motive for a resolution and keep that in mind. For example, perhaps you enjoy your regular exercise routine. Focus on how that makes you feel rather than finding another reason to exercise. However, if your exercise already feels like a chore, adding a goal can help. Set many short-term goals along the way to your final goal. Break up big projects into smaller, more manageable steps you can take each day. It will prevent you from procrastinating and feeling overwhelmed. Having a sense of daily accomplishment, regardless of how small, will likely keep you motivated, increasing your chances for success. Equipped with the right tools, you’re more likely to succeed! Suzann Pileggi Pawelski and her husband James Pawelski will be presenting at the Embodied Positive Psychology Summit (April 26-29th) at Kripalu Center for Yoga & Health in Stockbridge, Massachusetts.

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Achieving Harmonious Passion with James and Suzie Pawelski

Suzie Pileggi Pawelski is a contributing editor for Live Happy magazine as well as wellness counselor specializing in the science of happiness and its effects on health and relationships. Her 2010 Scientific American Mind cover story "The Happy Couple" was selected by the magazine as one of its most intriguing articles of recent years. James Pawelski, Ph.D., is Director of Education and Senior Scholar in the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania. For the last ten years, he has served as the founding director of the Master of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program, the world's first degree program in positive psychology. He is also the founding director of the International Positive Psychology Association. Live Happy co-founder and Editorial Director Deborah K. Heisz talks with James and Suzie about achieving harmonious passion in your personal relationships. What you'll learn in this podcast: Understanding the psychological concept of passion and how it differs from popular culture The difference between healthy (harmonious) and unhealthy (obsessive) passion How to cultivate a healthy passion in our daily lives Links and resources mentioned in this episode: Visit JamesPawelski.com Visit SuzannPileggi.com Thank you to our partner - AARP Life Reimagined!

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Why Forgive?

Tense, heavy, weighed down. We can all relate to the feeling of holding onto anger, resentment, grudges and things that don't serve us well. Withholding forgiveness “is bad for our health and creates increased risks for cardiovascular, immune system and other problems, including depression, anxiety, anger, and PTSD disorders," says Everett Worthington, professor of psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University and a leading researcher on forgiveness. A difficult skill to learn The good news is forgiveness is a skill that can be taught. "People can learn to forgive better and the amount of forgiveness experienced is related to time spent trying to forgive," says Everett, who has dedicated more than two decades to studying the concept. Recently, Everett found that married partners made relationship gains when trained in communication and conflict resolution but within a year lost about half of the gains, whereas those trained in forgiveness and reconciliation made gains and retained them a year later. Two kinds of forgiveness While forgiveness can sustain and strengthen our most cherished relationships, it is often easier said than done. Everett's REACH forgiveness model is designed to help people learn to forgive. It depicts two types of forgiveness: “decisional” forgiveness (a decision to act differently toward the offender in the future), and emotional forgiveness (transformation from resentment and anxiety to positive emotions such as compassion and empathy). While decisional forgiveness is more important for restoring relationships, emotional forgiveness is vital to our physical and mental health. The five steps of REACH: R = Recall - Remember the hurt as objectively as possible E = Empathize - Try to put yourself into the shoes of the person who hurt you A = Altruism - Give the person the gift of forgiveness C = Commit - Publicly forgive the person H = Hold onto Forgiveness - Remind yourself you made the choice to forgive Listen to our podcast: The Slow Medicine Approach to Forgiveness Forgiveness becomes personal Everett doesn't just study forgiveness, he has lived it. He has experienced first-hand how to forgive others and himself after two tragic experiences: his mother's murder and his brother's suicide. While he was remarkably able to forgive his mother's murderer; it was his brother's death that challenged him on another level and propelled the direction of his research. Up until that point, he had done a couple of studies on self-forgiveness, but they were not as central to him as studying forgiveness of others, he says. "When my brother committed suicide, I felt guilt over not being able to help him more... I also had a deep emotional experience with self-condemnation that helped me understand more deeply what people were going through when they struggled to forgive themselves," says Everett. Read more: 9 Steps to Foregiveness The hardest person to forgive “Self-forgiveness is not just about feeling better about ourselves,” Everett says. "We also must do things to restore the moral damage we might have inflicted on ourselves by harming others, and we must do things to repair the damage done socially, and we need to deal with our offense against God, nature, other people or whatever we think is sacred. If [we only work on] moral repair, we are left with remaining guilt and shame for what we've done. If [we only work on] positive self-regard, we just let ourselves off the hook." While the process is tough, letting go of resentment while holding onto forgiveness—for ourselves and others—lightens our load and lifts us all up in the end. Read more: 33 Ideas on Forgiveness Suzann Pileggi Pawelski is a contributing editor and regular blogger for Live Happy. To read more about forgiveness, see the feature article "Forgive to Flourish" in the December 2015 issue of Live Happy magazine.

Author Suzann Pileggi Pawelski and teammate

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The Power of Teamwork

As I muscled my way across the long stretch of monkey bars, my arms grew tired. With each subsequent bar I gripped I couldn't imagine how I would muster the strength to continue… Twenty minutes earlier, my friend Michele and I were stretching and trying to stay warm as we anxiously awaited our 3 p.m. start time. With the wind blowing and our adrenaline pumping, we nervously talked about what lay ahead. We were about to compete in our first Spartan Race—an intense challenge that combines a 3-plus mile run with 21 boot-camp-style obstacles. For the past twelve weeks we had trained together and were now racing as part of the 60-person "Relentless Fitness Team”, comprised in part of members from our gym, Relentless Fitness. We were doing the Spartan Race in part to raise money for Steve’s Club, a national nonprofit that helps keep at-risk kids off the streets by inviting them into the gym to exercise after school. And so part of our team was made up of a group of teenagers from Steve’s Club. Running along with the teens, knowing that we were helping to raise money for them and their friends, gave added meaning to our endeavor, while competing alongside them literally kept us on our toes, because they were so fast! Spartan Strong …or seriously crazy? "Are we crazy?" we asked ourselves as our minds and muscles tensed and we tried to help each other relax and prepare for the race. And then it started and we had no choice: We were off and running. One of the first obstacles we encountered was the monkey bars. Eyeing the unusually thick bars and then my small hands, I couldn't fathom how I'd grip just one bar, let alone navigate across at least a dozen of them. But anyone who competes in the Spartan has to do a personal penance of 30 burpees for each obstacle they don’t complete. Michele and I briefly considered caving in, but instead we encouraged each other to forge ahead. At the same time, we watched in awe as our fellow teammate Toni successfully maneuvered the bars. I was inspired to give it a try. My arms ached. I struggled and wanted to stop, but I continued moving as I heard Toni and Michele exuberantly shout, "Go Suzie!" I also thought of my husband James and 5-year-old son Liam, who I knew were somewhere on the sidelines. The thought of them also encouraged me to keep on going. Suddenly I felt myself energetically and adeptly—almost effortlessly—swinging like a monkey. Before I knew it, and to my utter amazement, I reached the other side without falling. Strength in numbers—the test of teamwork Michele and I had decided earlier that rather than compete as individuals we would run together throughout the race. We, along with Roger, the co-owner of Relentless Fitness, our fearless trainer Ross, and his strong and willowy wife, Amy, used our unique physical and emotional strengths throughout the obstacle course to help one another with the variety of challenges. Whether it was giving someone a boost to scale a 6-foot wall, sharing one's technique on how to successfully pull a 75-pound weighted sand bag (thank you, Michele!), or giving an emotional lift with a word of encouragement, we were there for one another. Psychologists might say that what we were experiencing was the strength of teamwork. Defined as "representing a feeling of identification with and sense of obligation to a common good that includes the self but that stretches beyond one's own self-interest," teamwork was definitely at play on this special day for me. In their book Character Strengths and Virtues, psychologists Christopher Peterson and Martin Seligman say that an "individual with this strength has a strong sense of duty, works for the good of the group rather than for personal gain, is loyal to friends, and can be trusted to pull his or her weight. He or she is a good teammate." I saw this tenet of positive psychology played out again and again at the Spartan Race. I think Michelle, myself and the others definitely acted as “good teammates.” As for “pulling our weight,” we certainly did that (those 75-pound sandbags!). Collaborators, not competitors When Michele and I fulfilled our promise to one another and crossed the finish line together, I felt a greater sense of joy than I would have if I had competed solo. And remarkably, rather than being depleted, I was somehow energized—and even did a celebratory cartwheel! To top it off, I found James and Liam standing at the finish line cheering me on and sharing in my happiness. Competing in and finishing the Spartan Race was a challenging yet truly rewarding experience. The fact that I was able to do it together with a group of supportive teammates while being cheered on by my loved ones certainly enhanced my sense of achievement and overall fulfillment, almost like compounded interest in the form of added meaning and happiness. SuzannPileggi Pawelski is a freelance writer based in Philadelphia and a contributing editor to Live Happy.

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A Visit With Pope Francis

Walking slowly, elbow-to-elbow with thousands down the Parkway in Philadelphia to make our way to an outdoor Mass with Pope Francis during his September visit, I could barely see in front of me. My eyes welled with tears at the profound sense of connection and joy I had walking with hundreds of thousands of pilgrims from across the world. My companions came as far away as Ethiopia, Mexico and China. And though we had been mere strangers moments ago, the power of the common experience—which also made me feel closer with my own family—soon made them feel like cherished friends. I feel incredibly blessed to have attended all three public events of Pope Francis during his weekend visit to Philadelphia. Each time, joyful tears trickled down my face when I saw him, listened to his words, and watched him graciously interact with the crowd. Many responded similarly and appeared deeply moved as well. What exactly was going on? The elevation effect Jonathan Haidt, social psychologist at NYU and author of The Happiness Hypothesis, would say we were experiencing “elevation,” which he defines as “an emotional response to witnessing moral beauty in others.” “When people see acts of moral beauty—things like generosity, loyalty, courage—they have emotional feelings, often become choked up, and cry,” he says. Further, Jonathan found that people report feeling motivated to be more virtuous—a better version of themselves when they are in the midst of feeling elevated. Indeed, when I was seeing the pope, I noticed the crowd was incredibly peaceful and that we all seemed to be versions of our best selves, whether it was sharing our sandwich with a stranger, helping to lift a stroller or wheelchair over a street blockade or thoughtfully giving away water bottles to the crowd. Listen to our podcast with Jonathan Haidt Along with thousands of others, I watched Pope Francis ride in the open-air popemobile, reach out to bless people, kiss babies and comfort the sick. In addition, mesmerizing media images of the pope meeting with the homeless, washing the feet of prisoners and hugging the outcasts of society abounded during the weekend he was here, capturing his boundless kindness and humility. Read more: Find the Sacred in Everyday Life Elation versus elevation Despite Pope Francis’s “rock-star” status, the feeling at these events differed starkly from the rock concerts I flocked to in my youth. The hyper-frenetic energy common at concerts, which often results in injuries from moshing and mad dashes to the stage, was nonexistent. Instead, the palpable papal enthusiasm was tempered and internally uplifting—the kind that doesn’t cause you to jump up and down in a frenzy but rather hold your loved ones close. At one point, as I ran after the popemobile in an attempt to snap a close-up picture, I recall thinking that I could easily be trampled by the enormous crowd. However, it was just the opposite. Someone accidentally grazed my arm, immediately apologized, and checked to make sure I was OK. Oxytocin, the love drug The response of the crowd can, again, be explained by the science of moral emotions. “Elevation gives feelings of warmth and love and involves oxytocin, which is a sedative bond,” says Jonathan. It makes people feel calm, rather than causing them to spring to action. However, people often confuse elevation with elation. Read more: Love Well to Live Well Some people think of happiness as an exuberant, jumping-up-and down feeling and others see it more as a serene and blissful state. While neither notion of happiness is wrong, and both types of emotions feel good in the moment, they are very different. I found that elation appears to be somewhat superficial and fleeting whereas elevation deeper and longer lasting. While jumping for joy (as I have done at countless concerts) in a pure state of elation provides momentary pleasure, I’ll opt for holding my loved ones close as we get to see one of the world’s great spiritual leaders any day of the week. Listen to our podcast with Suzann and James Pawelski. Suzann Pileggi Pawelski is a Live Happy contributing editor specializing in the science of well-being.

Practice

The Science of Savoring

Have you recently gazed at a spectacular sunset, indulged in a muscle-soothing massage, reveled in a personal achievement or counted your blessings? These examples are all different types of savoring. To savor something is to enjoy it fully, to appreciate it, or relish it. As an avid chocolate lover, for example, I love to savor the smooth, creamy taste of cacao as I let it slowly melt on my tongue. Slow down and enjoy Savoring requires a deliberate, mindful awareness of the present moment, according to Fred Bryant, Ph.D., a social psychologist at Loyola University of Chicago and a leading expert on savoring. Fred's body of work, summarized in his book Savoring: A New Model of Positive Experience, shows that when we slow down our thoughts to savor positive events we experience enhanced well-being. In fact, when we focus on really “being” with and connecting to these special moments, instead of letting them quickly pass by (see: Find the Sacred in Everyday Life), we are able to increase the effect these positive events have on our emotions. Using our senses There are a variety of ways to savor. Fred's research indicates we savor in four dimensions: Marveling (losing ourselves in awe and wonder) Luxuriating (indulging our senses, like we do when we bite into rich and delicious chocolate) Basking (focusing on receiving praise) Thanksgiving (expressing gratitude) Savoring can be taught While some of us seem to naturally savor positive moments in life, for those of us who don't, it's fortunately a habit that can be taught. “Like any cognitive-behavioral skill, we get better at it with practice,” Fred says. If we wait for savoring to happen on its own, there's a good chance in our frenetic and over-scheduled lives, it won't. Like other priorities, such as our family, friends and fitness routines, we need to allot time for savoring. Fred suggests we make a point of savoring at least one positive thing each day. “Don’t just wait for savoring to happen on its own—instead, be proactive and set aside time to seek joy,” he says. Make it a routine One particular way my family practices savoring is incorporating it into our daily bedtime routine. Each night, we aim to recount one good thing that happened to us that day. My husband, James, our almost 5-year-old son, Liam, and I each take turns. It really helps us as a family—and as individuals—to remember and relish the positive by counting our blessings or expressing gratitude. And this exercise teaches our son at a young age the importance of looking for the good in life rather than dwelling on the bad. Bask in the silver linings Savoring is a healthy habit to cultivate and practice, especially during the tough times. For example, my husband had a bad biking accident two nights ago. He broke his left wrist, damaged his right arm and was pretty banged up. When it was my turn to count my blessings I remarked that “Daddy's biking accident could have been much worse” and that “I was grateful that his wounds would heal.” Liam seemed to be reassured that along with the bad in life there's always an opportunity to seek out a silver lining. No doubt a beneficial lesson for all of us to learn at any age. Suzann Pileggi Pawelski is a freelance journalist and contributing editor for Live Happy.

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Romance and Research with James and Suzie Pawelski

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James and Suzie Pawelski – Romance and Research

Suzie Pileggi Pawelski is a contributing editor for Live Happy magazine as well as a wellness counselor specializing in the science of happiness and its effects on health and relationships. Her 2010 Scientific American Mind cover story "The Happy Couple" was selected by the magazine as one of its most intriguing articles of recent years.James Pawelski, Ph.D., is Director of Education and Senior Scholar in the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania. For the last ten years, he has served as the founding director of the Master of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program, the world's first degree program in positive psychology. He is also the founding director of the International Positive Psychology Association.Live Happy COO, Co-Founder, and Editorial Director Deborah Heisz sits down with James and Suzie to discuss how research from positive psychology can lead to meaningful and long-lasting relationships.In this episode, you'll learn:The importance of applying positive psychology research to relationshipsStrengths-based understanding for you andyour partnerAn interactive approach torelationshipsHow to give and receive strengths with your partnerLinks and resources mentioned in this episode:Download afree sketch noteof this episodePurchase a copy of On Human Flourishing: A Poetry AnthologyThank you to our partner -AARP LifeReimagined!Thanks for listening!Thank you so much for joining us this week on Live Happy Now. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it using the social media buttons you see at the bottom of the post.Also,please leave an honest review for theLive Happy Now Podcast on iTunes! Ratings and reviews are extremely helpful and helps others to find the podcast, we greatly appreciate it! They do matter in the rankings of the show, and we read each and every one of them.Special thanks to James and Suzie PileggiPawelskifor joining us this week.Related articles:The Power of PassionLove Well to Live WellBuilding Lasting, Loving Families

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Find the Sacred in Everyday Life

In our fast-paced and commodified world, we are encouraged to fly at lightning speed and to relish the latest material thing or fleeting pleasure. At the same time, the study and practice of spirituality has grown enormously in popularity and continues to receive widespread attention. Our frenzied, plugged-in lives have driven us to seek some sort of spiritual refuge or respite from the technological whirlwind. (See: the success of a meditation app like Headspace or other evidence of an increased search to slow down and unplug.) Perhaps this heightened interest in spirituality reflects a personal thirst for meaning in our lives. Many of us are seeking not only to slow down but also to find a firm footing on a more solid—and perhaps sacred—ground. The search for the sacred "Spirituality can have a positive impact on our well-being by helping us focus on what we value most in life," says Ken Pargament, a world-renowned scholar of religion. The Bowling Green State University psychologist has been studying spirituality for more than 35 years and has written several books on the subject, including Spiritually Integrated Psychotherapy and The Psychology of Religion and Coping. Defined as “the search for the sacred,” spirituality enables us to see the extraordinary in the ordinary, Ken says. "Sacred" refers to human perceptions on qualities often associated with the divine or higher powers: transcendence, ultimacy (essential and absolute truth), boundlessness, interconnectedness and spiritual emotions. Spirituality enhances well-being Research has shown that people who find the sacred in various spheres of life—such as relationships, work, and nature—enjoy enhanced well-being. For example, a 2010 study conducted by Ken and colleagues found that pregnant couples who viewed their marriages and pregnancies as sacred experienced increased positive emotions and were better able to overcome adversity during tough times. Similarly, research headed by Yale professor Amy Wrzesniewski in 1997, then at the University of Michigan, found that people who see their work as sacred report higher levels of job satisfaction. More recently, a 2014 study by Ken and colleagues showed that sacred moments were commonly reported by mental health providers and were linked with positive outcomes for the patient, the provider and the therapeutic relationship. Patients experienced healing and growth, and providers a greater sense of meaning in their work, according to Ken. Read More: The New Prayer Finding the divine If you feel you may be missing aspects of the divine and the sacred in your own life, Ken suggests asking yourself these questions to help foster a more integrated sense of spirituality: What do you hold sacred? Do some soul-searching to identify what matters most to you. How much time are you devoting daily to your spiritual strivings? How might you find more time everyday to search for the sacred? Where do you find the sacred? There are many spiritual pathways. Some of us find the sacred in relationships, some in prayer or meditation, still others through study or action. Reflect on where you experience your deepest feelings of awe, gratitude, mystery, timelessness and love. Emotions like these provide clues about where you might find the sacred and might try to spend more of your time. How committed are you? Practice makes perfect in the spiritual realm as in other areas of life. Spiritual growth takes commitment and hard work. Prepare yourself for a long-term process and don’t be discouraged by frustrations along the way. Read more by Suzann PileggiPawelski: The Power of Passion Suzann Pileggi Pawelskiis a freelance writer specializing in the science of happiness and its effects on relationships and health.

science

Can Twitter Save Your Life?

Twitter has been linked to everything from starting social movements to making and breaking careers. A recent study finds it can also offer a window into the psychological well-being of a community and predict heart disease. A better predictor A study by Johannes Eichstaedt and colleagues at the University of Pennsylvania found that Twitter was a better predictor of heart disease than traditional models, which combine 10 standard risk factors including smoking, hypertension, and obesity. The study found an increased risk of heart disease in areas of the country where high levels of negative emotion words like “anger” and “hate” were tweeted. Communities using positive-emotion language had a much lower risk. In addition, engagement, measured by words like “interested” and “excited,” emerged as a surprisingly powerful predictor of life satisfaction, says Johannes, the founding research scientist of the World Well-Being Project, a group of researchers collaborating to create new ways to measure well-being based on social media language. Watch The TED Talk on this research: An indirect effect Johannes emphasizes that the people tweeting are not the people dying. “There is essentially no overlap between the part of the population at risk from heart disease (60+) and those tweeting (median age: 32).” So what’s the connection? “It’s an indirect effect at the community level,” he says. The research illustrates what scientists have known for a long time—places matter to our well-being. Or, as Johannes explains it, “What does it feel like to live in a given neighborhood? How safe do we feel? Do we feel engaged?” Sociologists refer to such properties as “social cohesion”—something previously linked to heart disease risk but notoriously hard to measure. Social cohesion “We may have found a way to measure this subtle feature of communities,” Johannes says, adding that Twitter may provide inexpensive and accurate insight into a community’s psyche. The potential to better understand factors connected to heart health on a countywide level is promising. “You can do a live psychological risk map for different communities and help policymakers target campaigns educating people that the way they live their mental lives can kill them as well,” Johannes says. “You can then introduce interventions and measure results.“ Read more by Suzann Pileggihere: Love Well to Live Well

Making Motivation Work

Achieving Harmonious Passion with James and Suzie Pawelski

Why Forgive?

The Power of Teamwork

A Visit With Pope Francis

The Science of Savoring

Romance and Research with James and Suzie Pawelski

James and Suzie Pawelski – Romance and Research

Find the Sacred in Everyday Life

Can Twitter Save Your Life?

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