Self-Care

April is Stress Awareness Month, and it appears that we are more aware of stress than ever. Research conducted on behalf of the American Psychological Association by Harris Poll, found that Americans are feeling the effects of prolonged stress. The result is increased anxiety, sadness, anger — and other negative emotions. While there are many ways to deal with the effects of stress, one of the easiest — and most enjoyable — is to listen to music. While we all have our favorite go-to songs to suit our changing moods, now researchers in the U.K. have found the songs that are scientifically proven to help us destress. Dr. David Lewis-Hodgson, chairman of the research company Mindlab International, led a team of researchers to study how certain songs affected the brains of volunteers. The volunteers were given puzzles to complete and, as they worked to solve them, sensors monitored their heart rates, blood pressure, breathing rates and more. Through this research, they discovered the 10 best songs for relaxation. When volunteers listened to these songs, their stress levels dropped by as much as 65%. That’s good for your body and your mind! If you’re ready to destress, we’ve put their 10 songs into a playlist that you can find here. Now, relax and enjoy!

The terms “mindfulness” and “meditation” are often used interchangeably, but in reality, mindfulness is actually a form of meditation. “Meditation is a broad term that can mean anything, whereas mindfulness is a specific form of meditation. It doesn’t have to be done in the same formal way as what we would normally think of as meditation,” explains Richard Sears, PsyD, Ph.D., MBA, ABPP, of the Center for Clinical Mindfulness and Meditation at Union Institute and University in Cincinnati. “Mindfulness can be taking a breath, taking a moment to notice the trees while taking a walk; it’s more about setting aside time to be with yourself—in whatever form that may take.” Mindfulness is one of three common forms of meditation that are particularly popular today. Here’s a closer look at those three forms and how they can benefit you: Compassion and Loving Kindness This practice is designed to cultivate warm, compassionate feelings toward others, even toward those we may not like. It begins by cultivating feelings of self-compassion, then moves toward developing feelings of love and compassion toward others. A study from Stanford University led by researcher Cendri A. Hutcherson found that even a short, seven-minute compassion meditation can increase feelings of social connectedness with others. Focused Attention A wandering mind is the greatest challenge to effective meditation, and in focused attention, the meditator concentrates on the cycle of each breath as it goes in and out. Each time the mind begins to wander, the meditator returns his or her focus to the breath. At Emory University, a study revealed that different areas of the brain lit up as the attention shifted, further supporting findings that meditation—even in short increments—creates physiological changes within the brain. Mindfulness Mindfulness meditation involves observing what’s going on during meditation—sights, sounds, smells, sensations and thoughts. Instead of being engaged in them or carried away by them, meditators observe and dismiss them, and studies have shown that those who practice mindfulness experience diminished activity in areas of the brain typically associated with anxiety, such as the amygdala and the insular cortex. Ronald D. Siegel, PsyD, assistant clinical professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School, teaches that walking and eating meditations are particularly effective for those who want to learn mindfulness. Both can be started informally, such as just being more “present” and aware while walking or eating, and then can become a more formal practice if desired.

Our super-charged daily schedules and tech-spangled distractions that keep us hopping well into the night are beginning to catch up with us. According to the American Sleep Association, 40 percent of 40- to 59-year-olds and 37 percent of 20- to 39-year-olds report being regularly short on sleep. Yet routinely sleeping less than six or seven hours per night can have serious consequences on your health, says Matthew Walker, Ph.D. He is a sleep scientist and the director of the Center for Human Sleep Science at the University of California, Berkeley. In his book, Why We Sleep: Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams, he writes that sleep deficiency is associated with a compromised immune system, greater risk of cancer, problems with concentration and memory and possible shortened life spans. Matthew recommends eight hours sleep a night and is actually lobbying doctors to prescribe sleep. (Sleep, not sleeping pills.) While some people may cut short their sleep on purpose to gain more waking hours, others long for a solid eight hours of rest, but have trouble getting or staying asleep. According to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, approximately $63 billion is lost each year due to insomnia; it has become a national crisis. For many of us, active, stressed-out brains—our monkey minds—keep us in overdrive. How can we make our racing minds relax so we can get that badly needed sleep? “Count backwards from 300 by 3s,” says Michael Breus, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, sleep expert and author known as “The Sleep Doctor.” “It is mathematically so complicated you can’t think of anything else, and it is so boring you are out like a light.” Stress and anxiety are the big culprits for making us toss, turn and lose our ability to will ourselves back to sleep. Both cause physical tension in the body, Michael explains, and they also cause the body to release hormones such as adrenaline, cortisol and norepinephrine, which boost energy and alertness and raise heart rate and blood pressure, priming the body for fight or flight. Fortunately, several approaches have proven effective to help you get back to sleep. Tips from Matthew Walker: 1. Get out of bed. If you are having trouble falling asleep for more than 15 minutes, he suggests getting out of bed so your brain doesn’t associate that as the place where you don’t sleep. He recommends going to a dim room to read a book—no digital devices, no screens. When you get sleepy again, go back to bed. 2. Meditate. Scientific data supports meditation as a powerful tool for falling asleep and getting back to sleep. Meditation can be as simple as paying attention to your breathing. 3. Keep it cool. Sleep in a cool room if you can; a temperature of around 68 degrees is ideal. Tips From Michael Breus: 4. Realize that how you spend your day impacts your night. Think of consistent attention to relaxation as a round-the-clock investment in your nightly sleep. Are you drinking excessive caffeine in the afternoon? Watching a scary movie right before bed? Expect to see an effect on your sleep. 5. Use self-directed phrases that promote relaxation. Quietly or silently repeat words or phrases such as “I feel supremely calm” that cultivate sensations of warmth and heaviness in different regions of the body. 6. Try 4-7-8 breathing. Inhale for four seconds, hold breath for seven seconds, exhale slowly for eight seconds. Repeat several times. “A long slow exhale has a meditative quality to it that is inherently relaxing,” he says. 7. Use visual imagery. Imagine yourself on a restful journey—such as floating peacefully on a calm ocean, being rocked by gentle waves and caressed by a warm breeze. This can help separate you from a stressful day. 8. Try progressive relaxation. Working with one area of the body at a time, tense and then relax each muscle group from your toes to the top of your head. As you do this, be aware of what your body feels like when it is relaxed. This article originally appeared in the October 2018 edition of Live Happy magazine.

As we officially enter into the holiday season, anxiety hangs in the air with so many worries. There is the obvious concern about our health and the health of our loved ones. Can we drive to see our aging parents? Can our adult children fly home for Christmas? Then there is the economic news of so many families struggling. How many presents can we afford under that tree this year? Can we even afford the tree? I feel the same crushing pressures as everyone. For more than 35 years, I have spent the New Year’s holiday with three best friends, which expanded to our partners and our children over time. For decades, our merry band of twelve have rung in the new year together. But not this year. I cannot tell you how sad this makes me. However, 2020 is what it is, and I am trying to make the best of it. For this holiday season, I have created a new home base for myself with new daily rules. Every day I try to do the same five things. Each of these activities makes me calmer, happier and/or more at peace. For ease of remembering, think of the mnemonic M.E.C.C.A. (Mecca being both a holy city and a word that means “center”). What is M.E.C.C.A.? Meditate Start your day with a brief meditation. I listen to Headspace, which offers a ten minute daily guided meditation. To be clear, every morning I wake up and think, “Oh let’s just skip meditating.” I really never want to. But, when I engage in meditation, I feel better: clear-headed, relaxed and refreshed. It is the best way to start the morning. Exercise Every day, I exercise. Given COVID, I stay away from the gym, but I can still walk the dog, or hop on our elliptical trainer or lift hand weights. And as with meditation, every time after I exercise, I think “Oh I feel so much better.” Remember too that with the holidays usually comes extra eating and drinking. Exercise helps combat that holiday five. Create Do you write? Paint? Quilt? Perhaps you used to practice a creative art years ago when you were in school. Creativity is one of the best coping tools we have. By creating, we can take our feelings and transform them into something else: something beautiful or moving or cathartic. And bonus, use your creative skills to make presents this holiday. I have a cousin who sends exquisite handmade cards every year at Christmas. Her skill is beyond me, but I always look forward to seeing her creations. Connect During the holidays, many people feel lonely. Many of us have lost someone, and we miss them particularly around this sentimental season. This year, there will be even more people missing their loved ones, because most of us will need to stay in our own homes. Reach out to your loved ones. Don’t just text, pick up the phone and talk. I grant you, the conversation won’t be riveting. No one is doing anything, so there isn’t much to talk about other than COVID 19. Just the same, call your friends. Call your aunt. Call your grandparents. Accomplish Every day, do something you have put off doing. You know those projects that you never have time for? My house was filled with those, but not anymore! And goodness knows, around the holidays there is plenty to be done. Perhaps this will be the year that I finally organize the Christmas paper bin. It is full of scraps of wrapping paper, dusty ribbons and cardboard boxes of dubious utility. Every year I tell myself I will clean it out and organize it. Something tells me that this will finally be the year. No one knows how long we will drift in this odd COVID limbo, but I hope you can make the best of this strange holiday season by caring for yourself and keeping a healthy grounding routine. You will find me meditating and exercising (reluctantly), creating my blogs and calling my friends on New Year's Day. You will also find me in the back of my garage, throwing out dusty wrapping paper. We will find our way back to normal, at some point. For now, enjoy the twinkle lights adorning your neighbor's houses. Take care and chin up. Humanity has gotten through many difficult times, and we will get through this too. Happy Holidays!

While creativity once was considered the domain of artists, musicians and writers, today we’ve expanded our understanding of how it applies to our lives. Whether we’re talking a child into getting ready for school, substituting a missing ingredient in a favorite recipe or working on a new business plan, creativity is about coming up with fresh, new ideas, then putting them into action. New research is disproving the old notion of the right brain as our creative center while the left brain is analytical and logical. New studies show creativity engages the entire brain, with different regions working together during various stages of the creative process. In other words, all of us have a creative network just waiting to be activated. “All human beings have a capacity to be creative,” says Dr. Nancy Andreasen, Ph.D., a neuroscientist and psychiatrist. “People who like to cook are being creative—it’s not limited to producing great paintings or creating music or writing novels or making scientific discoveries. Some people enjoy gardening…learning to play a musical instrument....There are all kinds of things that people do that are creative.” The positive feelings our brains generate during our creative pursuits put us in a state of “flow,” during which we become completely immersed and in tune with what we are doing. This leads to a feeling of joy not only while the task is being performed, but after it is completed. “Once those creative juices start flowing, and you’re no longer focusing on your own life or problems, you get into that flow state where you’re working and the positive feelings are being reinforced,” says Shelley Carson, Ph.D., a Harvard psychologist and the author of Your Creative Brain. “It’s a great way to enhance your mood.” Whatever Happened to the Tortured Artist? The idea of creativity feeding happiness—and vice versa—flies in the face of the long-held belief that pain and suffering are prerequisites for creative genius. Through the years, great creative minds seemed to reinforce the argument, with notables like Sylvia Plath, Emily Dickinson, Tchaikovsky, Vincent van Gogh, Ernest Hemingway and others showing mood disorders. Nancy, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Iowa and winner of the National Medal of Science, conducted some of the first empirical studies on the links between creativity and depression and other mental illnesses. But, despite the connection, Nancy found that 20 percent of the writers from the Iowa Writers’ Workshop she studied had what she describes as “big ‘C’ ” creativity—what she calls an extraordinary example of creativity, “like discovering something that leads to a Nobel Prize.” “They were just more well-balanced—or they were lucky,” Nancy says. “They tended to come from families that also did not have mental illness.” Other studies done both with depressed and non-depressed subjects have shown that creativity enhances moods—which is why things like music therapy, art therapy and dance therapy have proved successful. However, the myth of the tortured artist is strong enough that some resist getting help, fearing they’ll lose their inspiration. Julia Cameron, author of more than 30 books, including The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity, has known artists who resisted exploring happiness because they were afraid of losing touch with their creativity. On the other hand, she’s worked with people who are hesitant to explore their creative side for fear it will ruin their stable life. “We have a certain mythology around creativity that simply is not correct,” she says. “We have been brought up to believe that artists are broke and tortured and crazy. When I say, ‘Let’s become an artist, let’s play, let’s get in touch with our inner resources,’ people are frightened. They believe they can’t be happy if they become an artist, but the opposite is true.” Julia believes that all of us are artists, regardless of whether our medium is a kitchen stove, computer keyboard, blank canvas or tool shed. “Artistic, creative people are solvent, they’re happy; just start working on your creativity and watch what it does for you.” But the happiness effects of our creativity extend beyond us and can bring happiness to the people enjoying our work, Nancy says. “If you are a creative cook, you can survey what's in your garden and what's in your refrigerator and spontaneously come up with a new combination of things that you then serve to your family, spouse or whoever,” she says. “That's very happiness-generating.” Being creative—and enjoying the effects of creativity—doesn’t mean you need to become a world-renowned chef, sculpt like Michelangelo or write like Hemingway or sing like Elvis. Being creative can be as simple as writing down your family history, making up silly songs or taking an art class. “It’s never too late to discover your creativity,” Shelley says. “There are wonderful implications from exploring creativity, regardless of your age.” This article originally appeared in the October 2014 issue of Live Happy magazine.

If we want to improve our habits, where should we begin? In my book Better Than Before, I identify 21 strategies that we can use to make or break our habits. That’s a lot of options! It’s a good idea to start by tackling the habits that most directly strengthen self-control, which we need if we’re going to keep any of our other good habits. These five habits will protect us from getting so physically taxed or mentally frazzled that we can’t manage ourselves. Get at least seven hours of sleep. For many of us, those last hours of the day are time to play or relax, but the fact is, we need sleep. Lack of sleep affects mood, memory, immune function—it even contributes to weight gain. Most adults need at least seven hours of sleep a night. If you struggle with getting to bed on time, try setting an alarm at night to help you get moving toward sleep. Go for a 20-minute walk. Physical activity is the magical elixir of practically everything. Exercise relieves anxiety, boosts energy and mood, improves memory, sharpens executive function and contributes to weight maintenance. It both energizes and calms us. You don’t need to train for a marathon or go to an hour-long spin class. The biggest health boost goes to those who are consistent about being less sedentary. Don’t let yourself get too hungry. Because the brain needs energy to manage impulses, paradoxically, one of the best ways to avoid impulsive overeating (or any bad habit) is to eat enough. Also, skipping meals can lead to a whole day of bargaining and bad choices. Take time to unclutter. Most of us get a real lift when we put things in their place, tackle nagging tasks, clear surfaces and get rid of junk. This surge of energy makes it easier to ask more of ourselves, to use our self-control and to stick to a challenging habit. One of the most popular habits for boosting happiness and productivity? Make your bed. Also, if you can do something in less than one minute, do it without delay. This eliminates the scrim of clutter on the surface of life. Give yourself healthy treats. I’ve saved the best for last! Treats are delightful. Unlike a reward, which must be earned or justified, a “treat” is a small pleasure or indulgence that we give to ourselves just because we want it. We don’t have to be “good” to get it, we don’t earn it or justify it. Giving ourselves “treats” may sound self-indulgent or frivolous, but it’s not. When we give ourselves treats, we feel energized, cared for and contented, which boosts our self-command. It’s a Secret of Adulthood: If we give more to ourselves, we can ask more from ourselves. Self-regard isn’t selfish. What are some healthy treats? Browsing through art books, cookbooks or travel guides; taking photographs; napping; looking at family albums; putting on perfume; coloring in a coloring book; learning a new magic trick. I recently started a podcast, Happier with Gretchen Rubin, and many people have told me they use podcasts as a good way to treat themselves. Be wary of the most popular unhealthy treats, however. Food and drink, screen time and shopping can be healthy treats for some people, but many people should steer clear. We don’t want to do something to make ourselves feel better that just ends up making us feel worse. These five areas build on each other. Start with one area, and go from there, as you make your habits better than before. This article originally appeared in the February edition of Live Happy magazine.

As a plastic surgeon, I share the healing journey of my patients on many different levels. It is something that often begins even before the surgery itself takes place. While most of us see the recovery process as something that takes place in the body, I’ve learned that one of the most important factors in my patients’ ability to heal has less to do with their physical health and more to do with their positive mental outlook. Attitude is crucial in everything we do in life; it can turn a seemingly bad day into a good one and give us a fresh perspective when a situation seems hopeless. But when it comes to the healing process, a positive attitude is the best medicine that money can’t buy. Research shows a positive attitude increases our life span, provides a better ability to cope with challenges and even improves our immune system. Being able to look at a challenging situation with a positive outlook doesn’t mean you ignore tough situations or deny the emotional impact they have on you; it simply means that you approach that situation in a more productive way. You start looking for the best thing that can happen in the situation instead of dwelling on the worst. When you do that, you’ll discover that amazing things happen. You’ll be reminded that you can make it through whatever challenges you’re dealing with. I’ve seen this happen time and time again in my practice, and it inspires me every time. It’s a tremendous reminder that you can’t choose everything that happens to you, but what matters is how you choose to react to it. Transforming From the Inside Out I first met Virginia when she was a guest on our television show, The Doctors, and discussed what it was like to live with Parry-Romberg Syndrome. Parry-Romberg is a fairly rare autoimmune disorder that causes the tissues underneath the skin to shrink and degenerate. It literally looks like part of the person’s face is melting away. Imagine watching each day as the face in the mirror changes and becomes a stranger to you but not knowing how to stop it. At 44, Virginia had lived with this condition for more than 30 years, and it caused her a tremendous amount of both physical and emotional trauma. She had been to many doctors who were unable to help her, which only added to her frustration. And, she denied herself the privilege of becoming a mother because she was afraid of passing this disorder on to her child. Unless you’ve been born with some sort of physical deformity, I don’t think it’s possible to understand the kind of emotional agony Virginia suffered. Yet she was brave enough to come on the show and share her compelling story with our audience. Her story not only moved our viewers, it affected me, too. I joined with my colleague, Dr. Ritu Chopra, to surgically rebuild what this disorder had taken from Virginia. But it wasn’t just her physical appearance we restored; the procedure also brought back her bubbly, enthusiastic personality. She became more social and interactive with others; her new physical appearance restored her enthusiasm and confidence. Being part of that transformation was a powerful experience for me. I learn so much from the patients I see who refuse to give up, and when we can help change their lives, it changes our lives as well. There’s something to be said for giving back, because when we do that, we find gifts that we never imagined. For me, that gift has been learning just how powerful positivity can be. Beneath the Surface In my 30 years of work as a plastic surgeon, working with patients like Virginia has been key to my growth not only as a doctor, but also as a person. Like many doctors, I have participated in charities abroad, performing procedures that wouldn’t otherwise be available to them. Over time, however, I realized that so many people here in the U.S. needed reconstructive surgery as well. That’s why we started the Surgical Friends Foundation, which works with burn victims and those who have been scarred or disfigured by domestic violence. What I’ve gained through this experience has been so important, not only because it allows me to use my skills as a surgeon in such a beneficial and life-changing way, but because of what it’s taught me about the human spirit. I regularly see people who are very positive and optimistic despite facing incredibly difficult challenges. Seeing that reminds me that there are many people in this world with problems greater than mine. And it lets me know that I can get through whatever it is I’m going through. They’re an inspiration to me. And it encourages me to keep doing what I’m doing. (This article originally appeared in the June 2015 edition of Live Happy magazine.)

If you are a good-hearted person, it is natural to want to please others. As one who seriously considers the feelings of those around you, you likely engage in several selfless and kind behaviors that benefit your loved ones and strangers alike. Whether you bring cookies to your elderly neighbor, offer an empathetic ear to a distressed friend, or allow a harried mom to step in front of you in line at the grocery store, your attempts to contribute to others' happiness and well-being are noble and laudable. But sometimes, it is possible to take it too far. If your desire to please others is stronger than your need for self-care, your people-pleasing ways may negatively impact your well-being. If, for example, you felt pressured to spend all weekend helping a friend move—but as a result, missed an important work deadline on Monday—then your job performance may seriously suffer. Or, if you stayed up all night on the phone with an upset friend (who said you were the only one who understands her), you might not be able to concentrate on that important exam scheduled the next morning. When you go too far, allowing your own self-care to take a back seat to others' needs, you will likely become frustrated, exhausted and discouraged. And when you regularly disregard your own wants and needs to appease others, you may even experience chronic stress and other health problems. So, what can you do to address your own needs while showing kind consideration to others? How can you strike a healthy balance between selflessness and self-consideration? 1. Start to recognize your people-pleasing behaviors. Change is not possible without awareness. Pay attention to the choices you make to please others: If your colleague asks you to take on some of her tasks, do you do it because you don’t want to tell her “no”? If your mother asks you to come by for dinner after work—even though you just wanted to go home and relax—do you go anyway so you don’t let her down? Or, if the waitress gives you the wrong dish, do you eat it anyway so you don’t inconvenience her? If you find yourself appeasing others in this way, don’t judge yourself. Simply notice. Determine how often you make choices to please someone else despite what you really want to do and make a note of it. 2. Notice the consequences of your choices to people-please. When you dropped everything on your list to do something for someone else, what happened to the things you wanted to get done? How did you feel emotionally? When you said "yes" and really meant "no," how did that work out for you in the long run? Did you end up having to attend meetings you didn't want to go to? Were you exhausted because you didn’t get the rest you needed? 3. Ask yourself, “How willing am I to change?” Change is only possible if you are willing to embrace it. Would you like to adjust your people-pleasing behaviors so that you can take care of your own needs more? How might this impact your quality of life? Your desire for more control over your life must exceed your need to please others. 4. Increase your internal focus. If you are a people-pleaser, how others see you and act toward you strongly impacts your feelings and sense of self. With such a dominant external focus, it is likely that you are not in touch with your thoughts and emotions or your physical and spiritual needs. Committing to change involves increasing your internal awareness of these things and intentionally stopping and tuning into what you want. What were your plans for the day? Did you really want to be on that committee? 5. Catch yourself in the act of people-pleasing. As you become more aware of your motivations, try to catch yourself before you say “yes” and mean “no.” Notice if you are more concerned with what the other person is thinking than what you need. If so, redirect your focus to yourself and consider your needs. Don’t judge yourself and have compassion as you are learning to change a difficult habit. 6. Learn to live with not always pleasing others. This can be challenging. People-pleasing is all about having others like you, think well of you, and be pleased with you. To risk removing these sources of self-identity and self-esteem can seem like an impossible task. Reassure yourself of your worth and the importance of meeting your needs. Remind yourself that you want to find a better balance between your self-care and the needs of others. Then, be prepared to let the other person have their own feelings of disappointment or judgment - and resist the temptation to try to change or fix their feelings. 7. Learn to live with pleasing yourself and meeting your own needs. When you do this, you may find that you are not on a community board you didn’t want to be on, that you have some time to relax after work, or that you don’t have to eat a meal that you didn’t want in the first place. By taking your own wants and needs into consideration along with those of others, you will discover that your life has changed—for the better. There is nothing wrong with people-pleasing until it causes you to feel resentful, unhappy and out of control in your own life. As you likely already know, people-pleasing does not always produce the results you hope for. The recognition, approval and appreciation you long for are elusive even after you jump through countless hoops. Learning to listen to and respond to yourself, and appreciating the benefits of doing these things, can not only earn you the respect you long for, but also can give you the peace and self-confidence that you deserve.

Have you ever been given a last-minute project? Had your schedule changed in a way that is stressful on the rest of your life? Lost a job? Been given a pay cut? Felt like you had to regroup or literally reinvent yourself because a situation forced you to do so? Life can sometimes knock you into uncharted territory where resilience is required. Resilience, or the “ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change,” is a valuable life skill that gives us the ability to recover from a fall. It’s not magical, nor is it innate. The good news is that it is a skill we can learn through observation of others, research or personal experience. You can develop and improve these skills at any point in your life, and they can help you negotiate any challenge. Years ago my client Melinda had a great job working for a mom and pop company. The company was struggling due to the economy, and she was told that she had to take a large pay cut or leave the organization. She was the main breadwinner in the family, as her husband had an unpredictable sales job, so this was a huge financial and emotional blow. She was angry with everyone. All of this anger made her depressed and affected her ability to function at work and at home. She repeatedly told me that she was so upset that she did not even feel like going grocery shopping to feed her family. I was concerned but knew that if she worked on the steps toward resilience she would find her way. Being resilient does not mean that you cannot be sad, angry, scared, anxious or depressed. Because not everyone has the same reaction to a situation, not everyone needs the same set of skills. The list below offers a dozen ways to get you back on course: 1. Allow yourself to feel. If you are sad, grab a box of tissues and cry as long as you need to. If you are angry, vent to a friend, have a vigorous workout or beat up an old pillow. 2. Remind yourself that change is a normal part of everyday life. Everyone has challenging moments. 3. Remind yourself of your strengths. If you have good intuition, trust your gut. If you’re a problem solver, then put those skills to use. Stay positive. 4. Rally your support system. Turn to friends, relatives, co-workers or professional advisers to brainstorm solutions and get support. 5. Make a realistic plan. Set goals and map out ideas on how to adapt and move forward. 6. Think about the long term. While the stress may be intense in the moment, imagine how things can improve over time. 7. Learn from your experience. 8. Do not beat yourself up. Kicking yourself when you are down will only make it harder to get up. 9. Practice good self-care. In times of stress, we all have a tendency to slack off on taking care of ourselves. Make sure to eat, rest and nurture yourself. 10. Be as flexible and open as possible. Consider other options. Do not limit yourself. 11. Find your courage. Even if the next days, weeks, months or years will be scary, face the fear, do not run from it 12. Infuse happiness into other areas of your life. Eat food that you love, take a hot bubble bath, go on a bike ride or hike with your favorite person. The happy and positive moments will keep your energy and spirits up. So what did Melinda do? She had a good cry and vented her anger on paper until she realized that no one was at fault. She then took action, getting tips from finance-savvy friends to help her bosses save money so she could get some of her pay back. She brainstormed with her husband about how they could cut expenses and increase his commissions. And to improve her quality of life, she convinced her direct manager to let her leave at 3 p.m. every Wednesday so that she could pick up her kids from school and cook a special dinner, two things that she loved to do. Melinda not only used her resilience tools for herself, but she also used them to help her employer and family. Life can be challenging, and circumstances can change at any moment. We live our lives within different contexts—work, school, home and social. Resilience can help us successfully negotiate challenges in any situation. It is never too late to learn to be flexible, calm and to understand our own power to bounce back. This article originally appeared in the June 2015 edition of Live Happy magazine.