Pensive woman

Quiz: Are You Sabotaging Your Self-Esteem?

When we think about “talking to yourself,” we might imagine a strange person rambling out loud in a public place.That voice in your headBut we all have an inner monologue, and for some of us, we wish it weren’t quite so chatty! These voices are as normal and natural as can be. This phenomenon is called self-talk, and it can dramatically impact our feelings, thoughts, mood and behaviors in both positive and negative ways.Cognitive behavioral therapyImproving your self-talk is such an important topic that there is an entire field of study in psychology dedicated to it: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). It was designed to help us retrain our thinking and improve our ability to speak to ourselves in a positive way. Because it seems to have a clear and quick effect, CBT has become one of the most popular kinds of talk therapy in the country.Those whose self-talk is mostly positive (“hey, good job!”) tend to be happier, more productive and have higher self-esteem. Those who are flooded with negative ruminations tend to be more depressed and angry, less productive, and have lower self-esteem.This quiz will help you assess whether you are skewing positive or negative; find your results at the end.Take the quiz:A.1. If a friend cancels lunch with me at the last minute, I assume that person is angry with me even if he or she never said so.OR2. If a friend cancels lunch with me at the last minute, I imagine he or she is sorry because I am confident that friends enjoy my company.B.1. I tend to be hard on myself. I might be self-critical or overly judgmental about my appearance, behaviors or feelings.OR2. I tend to cut myself slack in difficult situations, and I try to accept my shortcomings and view them as opportunities for growth rather than flaws.C.1. If a friend is angry with me about something, I might think of even more things he or she might be angry about.OR2. When I have a conflict with someone, I think calming thoughts and remind myself that I am a good person and that things will be OK no matter what happens.D.1. I know my weaknesses and think about them often.OR2. I know my weaknesses, but try to focus on my strengths.E.1. I have been known to overthink things to the point of upsetting myself unnecessarily.OR2. I tend not to overthink things because I feel comfortable and/or confident in my initial decisions.F.1. When I am challenged by adversity, I tend to feel hopeless and/or powerless.OR2. When I am challenged by adversity, I tend to feel strong and able to tackle the challenge.G.1. I don’t typically compliment myself, even privately or in my own mind.OR2. I am able to compliment myself and receive compliments.H.1. When I feel angry, sad or afraid, I panic because it’s hard to help myself feel better.OR2. When I feel angry, sad or afraid, I am OK with it because I know the tools to manage those feelings.I.1. If people could play a tape of my mind, they would be surprised that my thoughts are as negative as they are.OR2.If people could play a tape of my mind, they would view me as a positive person.J.1. I am kinder to others than I am to myself.OR2. I am as kind or kinder to myself than I am to others.Next, add up the numbers from your answers:1–10:Your mind tends to be filled with an excessive amount of negative self-talk, which can be emotionally burdening. Try to work toward being nicer to yourself and making your thoughts more positive. Perhaps try to take extra time out to look for the good in yourself and in situations. Make an extra effort to listen to your self-talk so that you can identify what is causing the moments of dread or fear and attempt to shift your perspective and see things from a more objective point of view.10-20: In general, you have good skills when it comes to positive thinking. You tend to be great at encouraging yourself and speaking to yourself in an affirmative and healthy way. When you hear yourself becoming negative, stop yourself and see if you can look at the situation (or judgment) from a different, more positive perspective.Stacy Kaiser, the author ofHow to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, is asuccessful licensed psychotherapist, relationship expert and media personality.For more on Stacy, go toStacyKaiser.com.
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Woman with old baggage

Quiz: How Much Emotional Baggage Do You Carry?

We can all take comfort knowing that every one of us faces psychological challenges at some point. No one is perfect. Everyone deals with emotional baggage.What kind of baggage do you carry?Emotional baggage is a useful metaphor—these battered old suitcases hold the mix of negative and unprocessed emotions that we’ve acquired throughout the years.These feelings comes from people, places, behaviors and experiences from our past that still have a negative impact our present.Each person's baggage is different. If you have cheated or been cheated on, you might have residual issues related to trust. If you have ever felt you were a low priority, you might have heightened sensitivity to feeling unimportant or excluded. The more you know about your own personal baggage, the better equipped you are to handle situations that arise.I encourage you to put some thought into what triggers you emotionally. This quiz is designed to help you determine how much your emotional baggage impacts your present experiences.The QuizAnswer the letter that best describes how you feel or act most often. If you are unsure, chose the answer that is closest to being accurate.1. When it comes to situations that remind me of negative experiences…A. I avoid or shy away from these situations.B. I am not very aware when these situations happen, or I brush them under the rug.C. I try my best to face them head-on whenever possible.2. When I see something uncomfortable that I'm worried will affect me emotionally…A. I immediately (consciously or unconsciously) put up an emotional wall so I will not feel the full impact.B. I don’t notice when these are about to happen.C. I do what I can to prepare, then I deal with the impact by taking care of my feelings or the situation.3. When it comes to trusting people…A. My philosophy is that people aren’t trustworthy unless they have truly proven to be so.B. When it comes to trust, I don’t pay much attention.C. I do my best to be open, but will put my guard up as needed if someone appears to be untrustworthy.4. If I am dealing with other people and they push my buttons or stir up old emotions…A. I run away or distance myself completely.B. I ignore it or distract myself.C. I do my best to educate myself and the other person (if possible) so that we can both be conscious and cautious about it.5. When thinking about myself and emotional health…A. I view myself as damaged, troubled or in a place where my feelings would be hard to repair.B. I don’t evaluate my emotional health.C. I see my strengths and weaknesses. I try to focus on improving what I can.6. The emotional baggage that was caused by other people in my life makes me feel…A. Resentful, angry and/or emotional toward them.B. I don’t even want to think about that.C. No matter what I am feeling, I do my best to understand it and heal so I can move forward in a healthier way.RESULTSIf most of the answers that you chose were the letter “A,” you have a hard time dealing with your emotional burdens. Your tendency is to react negatively by withdrawing, feeling hopeless or behaving angrily. If you tend to handle your baggage this way, you may tend to feel anxious, isolated, angry, resentful, depressed and even lonely. It is important for you to find a sense of hope and a willingness to heal from whatever in your past is troubling you. Seek support and guidance from experts, professionals and your support system.If most of your answers were the letter “B,” you are someone who tends to brush issues under the rug and avoid working on situations. You might try to fool yourself into thinking that your baggage doesn’t need to be dealt with. People who are like this often find themselves caught off guard because they don’t see things coming. They can have emotional reactions that they do not know how to deal with, and they will tend to lack the skills and tools to learn from past struggles. If you answered with many responses in this category, you need to gently learn to re-engage in your life so that you can learn and grow. You also need to work on coping skills to face what makes you uncomfortable.If most of your answers were letter “C,” you are doing a good job of being aware of your emotional baggage and do your best to try to manage it in a healthy way. You are not afraid to look for the truth in situations and are open to trying new experiences. You tend to be hopeful, optimistic and growth-oriented.
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What’s Your Communication Style?

How the world perceives us and the way we come across to others is so important, that in my book How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, I put my thoughts about effective communication right up front in Chapter One. In this quiz we’ll assess your communication style and pinpoint any problem areas that may be hindering you.This quiz breaks our communication styles down into three categories.Choose option A, B, or C for the questions below; answer the answer that best fits how you might respond in the particular scenario.1. When I am involved in a disagreement with someone important to me:A. It's easier to walk awayor back down immediately to avoid conflict.B. I will engage in the discussion no matter how heated it becomes until I’m sure I’ve gotten my point across.It's important that my voice be heard.C. The relationship is more important than the outcome of this argument, so I respond based on wanting to stay connected, despite our disagreements.2.When I feel my needs are not being met in a relationship:A. I rarely ask directly for what I want. I hope they the other person will figure it out on their own and do it for me.B. I tend to be demanding. If I don't put it out there, I know I won't get it.C. I find a way to discuss it or ask for it that provides the least conflict but gives me the best chance of getting what I want.3.When it comes to having a heart-to-heart with someone I care about:A. I don't have heart-to-heart conversations. I just let the relationship play out and adjust to whatever the other person says and does.B. I often become angry and accusatory during serious discussions. It's hard for me to stay calm when I discuss important matters.C. I express what I am trying to say calmly and give the other person a chance to express themselves. I want things to remain peaceful.4.When it comes to expressing myself at work:A. Typically, I can’t articulate my long-term goals, and find it difficult to approach those in a position to help me. I keep my head down and do what’s asked of me.B. I know exactly what I want and need, and am very vocal in expressing it to my superiors. I will achieve my professional goals at any cost.C. I take time to consider the best person to approach forwhat I want to take away from our conversation. I have a definite plan is in place before I communicate.5.In a high-stress situationlike a job interview:A. I get so panicked thinking about all the possible negative outcomes that I am unprepared for the actual discussion and often feel I left much unsaid.B. I am demanding and to the point. I have been told that my style could be considered aggressive or abrasive, but I look at it as getting what I need.C. I carefully prepare the points I want to make, the questions I have, and chose a good time for a calm discussion.6.My style of talking could best be described as:A. Quiet, self-deprecating, and quick to agree and placate. I will always give in to get along.B. Loud and boisterous. I generally set the agenda or plans and others follow.C. I shift styles based on where I am and which friend or business associate I’m dealing with. I go with what feels right in the moment.7. At social gatherings like parties or events:A. I prefer not to attend events full of strangers. But if I do go, I prefer to blend in. I often sit in a corner and keep a low profile.B. I am often described as the life of the party. I generate most of the conversation, and feel a sense of obligation to keep things moving along – sometimes inappropriately (excess drinking, gossiping, etc.).C. I can function well in large parties of mostly strangers, and am completely comfortable in familiar settings with friends.8. When I am with others and not feeling well or in a good mood:A. I hide it all costs and try to stay quiet and hope no one notices. “I’m fine,” is my mantra.B. I tell everyone. There’s no hiding it, so I’m not shy about telling everyone why I’m so miserable. Maybe they can help, and at least they’ll listen.C. I am open about what is going on in my life if I feel the time is right to confide, but not if it will adversely impact the mood or flow.9. When I am involved in a negative interaction:A. I withdraw from the situation. I get quiet and retreat into myself.B. I get frustrated and have a hard time shaking it off. It impacts my mood for some time.C. I adjust to the situation and move on as quickly as possible in order to make the best of an uncomfortable experience.10. When I am in line in a crowded retail store and someonecuts in front of me in line:A. I say nothing.B. I loudly let her know that she has cut in line, and tell her to goto the end.C. I tap her politely on the shoulder and casually let her know that she may not have realized it but she has cut in front of me.If you answered:Mostly A’s, you are a Passive Communicator.Passive communicators tend to be fearful and avoid confrontation at all costs. It might be that you feel that you are not entitled or worthy enough to ask for or receive what you want, or perhaps you are willing to sacrifice your own wishes in exchange for avoiding conflict or confrontation. This style of communication might ultimately lead to feelings of anxiety, anger, depression and helplessness,which can certainly impact your ability to be personally happy and professionally successful.Mostly B’s, you are an Aggressive Communicator. Aggressive communicators tend to be confrontational and angry. Your (very) direct way of expressing your feelings and communicating can leave others feeling unheard, insignificant and even violated. This style of communication may ultimately lead to feelings of isolation, powerlessness and agitation, which can ultimately alienate you from getting what you want from others.Mostly C’s, congratulations, you are a Dynamic Communicator—the most effective kind of communicator. A dynamic communicator always wants both sides to walk away feeling somewhat satisfied; they are so successful in their skills that they can easily impact others with their words and style. Translation: Dynamic Communicators get more of what they want more often, with less conflict. A dynamic communicator lets go of the need to win and instead knows that the real winning comes when communication is effective and relationships are solid.
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QUIZ – How Hopeful Are You?

Instructions: Read the question and answer A, B or C. Answer the letter that is closest to what you would say or do in the scenario.1. You are really looking forward to attending a friends wedding in a few weeks. You are out taking a brisk walk, trip over some broken up sidewalk and break your leg. Do you… A. Immediately call the bride and groom to cancel. B. Decide to wait a few days and see how you feel before canceling. C. Let the bride and groom know that you are feeling optimistic about your recovery and plan to be there.2. You apply for a job that you think you're highly qualified for. Two weeks have passed and you have heard nothing. Do you... A. Feel depressed and worry that you won't ever have a job. B. Decide to give it another couple of weeks before looking into other opportunities. You’ll wait it out. C. Tell yourself that you have skills and potential and that a job will come eventually and keep looking.3. Your birthday is a week away and no one has mentioned trying to make any plans to take you out or celebrate. Do you... A. Assume people forgot or don't care. B. Hope that if you wait a little longer, someone will mention it. C. Assume that people will want to celebrate you and start talking with them about plans for your birthday.4. You have an opportunity to be hired for a much higher paying job that is out of the range of your normal experience. Do you... A. Decide there is no way you're capable and say no. B. Feel uncertain about your skills and ask other people to convince you that you might be able to pull this off. C. Feel certain that you could undertake and succeed at something new as long as you really tried and got help as needed.4. Your best friend just moved out of the city that you live in. Do you… A. Get very sad because you know that your relationship is over and that you will never find another best friend again. B. Figure that you will keep at least a bit of a relationship and talk once in a while. C. Assure yourself that if you work hard at staying connected, the two of you will stay close friends.5. When you imagine yourself five years from now, do you… A. Think things could be the same or worse. B. Hope for the best but expect the worst. C. Know that if you really want to and put your mind to it, you can build an even happier and more productive life.6. You are in the mall and parked in a metered spot when you arrived. You suddenly realize that the meter may have run out a few minutes ago. You think… A. I’m doomed! I bet my car was towed by now and my whole day is ruined. B. I will probably get a ticket. C. There is nothing I can do at this point in time and I will deal with whatever happens. Maybe if I hurry, I will get lucky and get there before something bad happens.7. After a routine medical visit, you doctor was mildly concerned about a non-life threatening medical issue. It is suggested that you have a follow up test to assess if there is cause for concern Do you… A. Call everyone and say you are very sick and might be dying. B. Get frightened, insist on a second opinion and research every treatment under the sun. C. Feel concerned, but know there isn’t a real reason to worry yet and wait for the test results.The Answer:If you answered mostly A’s you are a person that is not filled with very much hope. You tend to see life in a negative way, and not only do you not hope for the best, you tend to imagine the worst.If you answered mostly B’s, you are a person who has moments of hopefulness, but you tend to wait until the situation looks positive before allowing yourself to be optimistic.If you answered mostly C’s, you tend to be extremely hopeful. When times get tough, you try to be optimistic and look for the positive in a situation. People come to you in times of trouble, because they know you will see the silver lining.For more information on the benefits of hope read “The Hope Monger” in our February 2014 issue. Or try out some daily actions of hope you can do with our “31 Ideas of Hope.”Stacy Kaiser is a successful Southern California-based licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. With more than 100 television appearances on major networks, including CNN, NBC, CBS and FOX, Stacy has built a reputation for bringing a unique mix of thoughtful and provocative insights to a wide range of topics.
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Woman holding a piece of paper with a question mark over her face.

What are your top five character strengths?

People who know and use their character strengths tend to lead healthier and happier lives, forge stronger relationships, and have a greater sense of accomplishment, according to years of research by leading positive psychologists. Finding out what strengths you already have and learning where you need improvement can help you see who you are as a person as well as the person you can become. The VIA Survey of Character Strengths, consisting of 240 carefully designed statements for you to agree or disagree with, is uniquely configured to find out where your character strengths lie. The process is easy and only takes about 15 minutes. The results page will instantly calculate your top five greatest character strengths. For instance, if humor is your top strength, you generally like to laugh and try to see the light side of a situation—even if it’s a gloomy one. Making people smile is important to you. If your top strength is perspective, people most likely come to you for sage advice and appreciate your outlook on life. They may even say you are wise beyond your years. Drs. Martin Seligman and Christopher Peterson designated 24 character strengths they believe to be the formula for human flourishing. Curiosity, bravery, zest for life…we all have them. Throughout time, and even in the most remote parts of the world, you can find these universal traits that explain who we are when we are at our best. The VIA Signature Strength Survey can be found on AuthenticHappiness.org, an online resource center from the University of Pennsylvania where more than two million people worldwide have participated in surveys and questionnaires regarding signature strengths. It is free, and it not only provides data for researchers to continue developing their theories on well-being, but it also gives you knowledge and tools to use on your own path to happiness. Take the test and come back and tell us what your top 5 strengths are in the comment section below.
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Satisfaction with Life Scale

To understand life satisfaction scores, it is helpful to understand some of the components that go into most people’s experience of satisfaction. One of the most important influences on happiness is social relationships. People who score high on life satisfaction tend to have close and supportive family and friends, whereas those who do not have close friends and family are more likely to be dissatisfied. Of course the loss of a close friends of family member can cause dissatisfaction with life, and it may take quite a time for the person to bounce back from the loss.Another factor that influences the life satisfaction of most people is work or school, or performance is an important role such as homemaker or grandparent. When the person enjoys his or her work, whether it is paid or unpaid work, and feels that it is meaningful and important, this contributes to life satisfaction. When work is going poorly because of bad circumstances or a poor fit with the person’s strengths, this can lower life satisfaction. When a person has important goals, and is failing to make adequate progress toward them, this too can lead to life dissatisfaction.A third factor that influences the life satisfaction of most people is personal—satisfaction with the self, religious or spiritual life, learning and growth, and leisure. For many people these are sources of satisfaction. However, when these sources of personal worth are frustrated, they can be powerful sources of dissatisfaction. Of course there are additional sources of satisfaction and dissatisfaction—some that are common to most people such as health, and others that are unique to each individual. Most people know the factors that lead to their satisfaction or dissatisfaction, although a person’s temperament—a general tendency to be happy or unhappy—can color their responses.There is no one key to life satisfaction, but rather a recipe that includes a number of ingredients. With time and persistent work, people’s life satisfaction usually goes up when they are dissatisfied. People who have had a loss recover over time. People who have a dissatisfying relationship or work often make changes over time that will increase their dissatisfaction. One key ingredient to happiness, as mentioned above, is social relationships, and another key ingredient is to have important goals that derive from one’s values, and to make progress toward those goals. For many people it is important to feel a connection to something larger than oneself. When a person tends to be chronically dissatisfied, they should look within themselves and ask whether they need to develop more positive attitudes to life and the world. In most ways, my life is close to ideal. Strongly Agree Agree Slightly Agree Neither Agree or Disagree Slightly Disagree Disagree Strongly Disagree The conditions of my life are excellent. Strongly Agree Agree Slightly Agree Neither Agree or Disagree Slightly Disagree Disagree Strongly Disagree I am satisfied with my life. Strongly Agree Agree Slightly Agree Neither Agree or Disagree Slightly Disagree Disagree Strongly Disagree So far I have gotten the important things I want in life. Strongly Agree Agree Slightly Agree Neither Agree or Disagree Slightly Disagree Disagree Strongly Disagree If I could live my life over, I would change almost nothing. Strongly Agree Agree Slightly Agree Neither Agree or Disagree Slightly Disagree Disagree Strongly Disagree Your Score 30 – 35: Very high score, highly satisfied Respondents who score in this range love their lives and feel that things are going very well. Their lives are not perfect, but they feel that things are about as good as lives get. Furthermore, just because the person is satisfied does not mean she or he is complacent. In fact, growth and challenge might be part of the reason the respondent is satisfied. For most people in this high-scoring range, life is enjoyable, and the major domains of life are going well—work or school, family, friends, leisure and personal development.25 – 29: High scoreIndividuals who score in this range like their lives and feel that things are going well. Of course their lives are not perfect, but they fell that things are mostly good. Furthermore, just because the person is satisfied does not mean she or he is complacent. In fact, growth and challenge might be part of the reason the respondent is satisfied. For most people in this high-scoring range, life is enjoyable, and the major domains of life are going well—work or school, family, friends, leisure and personal development. The person may draw motivation from the areas of dissatisfaction.20 – 24: Average scoreThe average of life satisfaction in economically developed nations is in this range—the majority of people are generally satisfied, but have some areas where they very much would like some improvement. Some individuals score in this range because they are mostly satisfied with most areas of their lives but they see the need for some improvement in each area. Other respondents score in this range because they are satisfied with most domains of their lives, but have one or two areas where they would like to see large improvements. A person scoring in this range is normal in that they have areas of their lives that need improvement. However, an individual in this range would usually like to move to a higher level by making some life changes.15 – 19: Slightly below average in life satisfactionPeople who score in this range usually have small but significant problems in several areas of their lives, or have many areas that are doing fine but one area that represents a substantial problem for them. If a person has moved temporarily into this level of life satisfaction from a higher level because of some recent event, things will usually improve over time and satisfaction will generally move back up. On the other hand, if a person is chronically slightly dissatisfied with many areas of life, some changes might be in order. Sometimes the person is simply expecting too much, and sometimes life changes are needed. Thus, although temporary dissatisfaction is common and normal, a chronic level of dissatisfaction across a number of areas of life calls for reflection. Some people can gain motivation from a small level dissatisfaction, but often dissatisfaction across a number of life domains is a distraction, and unpleasant as well.10 – 14: DissatisfiedPeople who score in this range are substantially dissatisfied with their lives. People in this range may have a number of domains that are not going well, or one or two domains that are doing very badly. If life dissatisfaction is a response to a recent event such as bereavement, divorce, or a significant problem at work, the person will probably return over time to his or her former level of higher satisfaction. However, if low levels of life satisfaction have been chronic for the person, some changes are in order—both in attitudes and patterns of thinking, and probably in life activities as well. Low levels of life satisfaction in this range, if they persist, can indicate that things are going badly and life alterations are needed. Furthermore, a person with low life satisfaction in this range is sometimes not functioning well because their unhappiness serves as a distraction. Talking to a friend, member of the clergy, counselor, or other specialist can often help the person get moving in the right direction, although positive change will be up to the person.5 – 9: Extremely DissatisfiedIndividuals who score in this range are usually extremely unhappy with their current life. In some cases this is in reaction to some recent bad event such as widowhood or unemployment. In other cases, it is a response to a chronic problem such as alcoholism or addiction. In yet other cases the extreme dissatisfaction is a reaction due to something bad in life such as recently having lost a loved one. However, dissatisfaction at this level is often due to dissatisfaction in multiple areas of life. Whatever the reason for the low level of life satisfaction, it may be that the help of others are needed—a friend or family member, counseling with a member of the clergy, or help from a psychologist or other counselor. If the dissatisfaction is chronic, the person needs to change, and often others can help.
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